Come Play With Me

The Need to Write

2012-03-10T15:03:00.005-05:00

“A writer writes not because he is educated but because he is driven by the need to communicate. Behind the need to communicate is the need to share. Behind the need to share is the need to be understood." ~ Leo Rosten

"There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein." ~ Walter Wellesley Smith

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Those of us who write--- whether it be stories, blogs, journals, poetry, spanko or vanilla --- why do we do it? What is the driving force behind it? Why do some of us seem to have this cavernous need to put pen to paper and simply allow some unseen force to scribble some of our innermost and revealing thoughts on paper?

Recently, on a discussion forum, I started a discussion topic on this very subject to explore different motivations for those who write. Do some need a catalyst to set off the chain reaction while others simply must write all things to keep their head from exploding with the ideas that are constantly swirling around?

I've always had a driving need to write, even at a very young age. In first grade, I was writing short stories on tablet paper constantly. By middle school, I was filling up multiple 5-subject-notebooks with one single story, in novel form. (these were all vanilla, btw).

When kids and marriage came, it went on the back burner for several years, until I came across a spanking site and the need to write awakened once more in me. For a few years, I was almost obsessed with it. Some of the writing was a release for the fantasy I couldn't have at the moment.

Some of my stories were written under great duress and stress in my life, therefore being a catharsis for such pain, or guilt. Sometimes, I would write with tears streaming down my face, the pen frantically moving and thoughts just flowing nonstop and uncensored. Some I shared and others I didn't, or did so privately with only a few close friends to express my immense pain.

Others were to express fantasies, as some stories had been written for a specific individual in my life at the time. Some were real life events with a previous Top. Others were simply creative muse, one in particular under the influence of high sugar levels during a diabetic test in a doctor's office (boy that was a crazy explicit one!). A few were joint ventures with someone else, and we fed off of one another (that was a great way to write!) and some were written for sale on a spanking story site. A couple were simply silly, to tease someone or the time when I created a story using members on another spanking board where we all lived in a spanko neighborhood together In all, my purpose has to been to relate to someone else, or have someone else possibly relate to what I was feeling or experiencing.

There have been times in my own writing history where I simply could not rest until I expelled certain thoughts from my head. It's amazing to me how the very act of writing can almost physically reduce emotional pain or stress, and even desire. I've experienced this in very profound ways in the past.

For instance, during my divorce I wrote my (now ex) husband a letter.

We'd spent years in a roller coaster marriage. Despite his infidelity and unrealistic expectations that I should remain the 17 year old he'd fallen in love with, and despite the fact that he crushed me monstrously on many occasions, there was still something inside of me that simply wanted him to love me and accept me. That if I could just do this, or do that....change and be what he wanted, that somehow everything would be as it should.

But on that Valentine's Day, when he'd gone off on a romantic weekend with another woman after having planned it with me, I made a decision. It was a heartbreaking and tormenting decision. I was going to let him go. For good.

Oh, I'd said in the past that I was going to do so, and meant it when I said it. But my desire to mend my family always won out. The dutiful wife, ever believing that things would change because he said it would.

This time, however, I did something different. With a heavy heart and endless weeping, I fashioned an epistle while he was off on his weekend with another woman. I inscribed straight from the heart. I sobbed then wrote some more. It wasn't a hateful letter; it was more of a mournful one, a distressed goodbye. Oh, it was excruciating. Oh, how it tore at my very being. I was in deep, sorrowful pain. I loved him, had built my life around him and he rejected me again and again.

Amazingly, after that exhausting night, I was free. Something about me was different, although I didn't quite catch it at first. But I was liberated. I'd freed myself of him. I had taken my heart back and redeemed myself. I truly experienced an actual physical release of him from my heart. I can't explain it, but the writing did it. The pain from all the years, the decision pushed up all on its own and flowed through my arm to my pen, released in tear stained scrawling on paper and given to him to bear.

There have been nights I've been unable to sleep, the need to do something with the swirling thoughts inside my head was so massive. I've sat at the computer, bleary eyed, releasing whatever demon was haunting me so that I could rest.

My writing muse can take on other forms, however. I can't always explain why I feel the need to write something. I can not resolve why some thoughts have been in my head for years and the driving desire to surrender it to paper has not overcome me.

Writing can also feed a lust that we can not obtain. When I started writing spanking stories, it was an unshackling of sorts. I'd had the fantasies locked inside for so long and now there was an outlet for them! And a horde of people to validate those desires, making me feel less the perv. I liked being able to weave a story that was more than just "spank spank spank". Characters with substance (in some cases), and a storyline where spanking was simply an element and not the focus. They were usually long, and not everyone likes long stories. But by penning in this form, I was allowed to live the life of my characters (well, not in all instances, as some writings were experimental). My writing was, in a way, my living vicariously through my characters to fill a deficiency in my needs in mostly an emotional way. I could articulate through writing, and thus through my characters, that which I was unable to successfully communicate emotionally in real life.

And sometimes spanking, or sex, was very much the focus. All ideas of what I might like to try that I hadn't yet, a substitute for being unable to fulfill those inclinations.

Are there any others like me? If you write, why do you do so? I know there can be a myriad of reasons; I know for me there is. Your stories, poetry, blogs, diaries, journals --- what purpose does it serve for you? What need does it appease?

In Like a Lion

2012-03-04T17:49:00.005-05:00

What a week we’ve had here! Talk about March coming in like a lion!

Twice in the last week, tornadoes threatened our area and the last round of storms on Friday proved deadly for many in our state and bordering states.

While the exact same storm cell that spewed such destruction in other areas came straight through our small town, we were lucky in that it did not drop an actual tornado on us. 11 miles north of us, tho, a different storm cell did indeed drop a tornado onto the ground.

We had prepared, since the National Weather Service’s Tornado Condition (TOR:CON) index had us on Level 9 alert when their scale only actually goes up to a Level 8 (!!!). The safest room in our basement was stocked with water, snacks, flashlights, batteries, candles and matches, as well as activities for the kids. While the actual storms tend to blow through rather quickly (usually 2-3 minutes), sometimes the threat lasts for awhile due to other weather conditions.

Look at this thing - this is an actual photo from a tornado spawned in Indiana on Friday from the same storm cell that past straight through our little town an hour later. Yikes for sure! Imagine watching the weather man as this system was headed straight towards you, with tornadoes bouncing up and down out of the sky like yo-yos.

We were very fortunate. The towns that were hit before and after us by that same storm cell were destroyed and people were killed due to this unpredictability. Watching the news casts just established even more just how random Mother Nature’s wrath can be, and how lucky we were to have avoided the worst. The death toll for our state alone is 20 as of now. In total, between our state, and two border states, the death toll is currently at 36. Search and rescue efforts are still underway.

And a video of the same above tornado, for those interested, courtesy of crazy ass storm chasers!

http://www.wlky.com/video/30598461/detail.html

Spring is coming in. It seems like winter so far has been pretty mild here where we are, which is not normal. Daffodils and tulips started popping up late January/early February – the time of the year when we often receive the most snowfall. Trees have been budding. It’s been pretty wild, but I am not necessarily complaining about the warmer temps. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, tho!

We travel quite a bit, and our ‘traveling season’ is coming upon us. This week we will be headed down towards Charleston, SC to visit with our friend LR. I am so looking forward to her company and what is going to be a purely vanilla visit. We’ve already made plans to run around and do specific things, and I am so ready to get a glimpse of some true spring weather to get in the mood for what will be coming next month – the Boardwalk Badness Weekend in Atlantic City!

I’ve also taken on more days and hours at work, so that has kept me away from the computer pretty much. I do check in on my phone sometimes during the day, but rarely have the time to actually write or respond to anything I see online! On the days I have downtime, you will find a fairly heavy presence that day or afternoon on blogs and on Fetlife. That’s when I get to catch up! And by the looks of things, life is only going to pick up!

I think it is good to stay busy, tho. Creating memories and experiencing life to its fullest.

Until next week, friends…….

Meanie!

2012-02-25T11:35:00.006-05:00

I had been in a bad mood and I journaled about it.

I also had a spanking coming, apparently, because of it. Was I worried about it? No....

We didn't take care of that the first night it was needed, as we were both tired and such. We weren't too tired for some awesome sex which, as I'd stated before, helped curb my attitude just a bit. RG gave me a few hand smacks right before we actually went to sleep, which burned more than usual due to my hormonal state, and lingered for quite a while after.

The next morning RG got up and went to work and I slept late. I did laundry and cleaned a bit, took a shower and then finished up some work things that was due soon. I had actually planned to mail an Ebay item on my way to work since I had time, but got about 15 miles from home and realized I'd left my cell phone.

Grumpily, I turned around to go back, the drive seeming to take longer than I had actually been gone. I got stuck by a train. By now, I was resigned that my E Bay package would not be going out on this day. Once I got back to the house, I actually could not find my phone which set me back another 15 minutes or so. I finally found it, lying on the back of the toilet.

Did I also mention that being scatterbrained during PMS is one of the signs that I need a good spanking?Work was productive. I was let out an hour early and I started my late night drive back home, stopping on the way to get some Taco Bell to satisfy my craving.

The door was open for me when I arrived home later and I came in. His eyes lit up when he saw me. Immediately he grabbed me and pulled me into the bedroom for some hanky panky. After some blissful time fooling around, he left me breathless on the bed recovering to go 'do something.' After a few minutes he returned, a semi-serious look on his face, pulling me off the bed and marching me, hand gripping the back of my neck as he tends to do when I am 'in for it', and into the computer room. Immediately I saw up on the screen my journal entry from last week and knew what this was about.

"Noooo...." I whined, trying to pull away but he merely kept hold of me and sat in the chair in front of the computer and pulled me over his lap.

"Read that to me." He ordered.

"I know what it says!"

"Read it!"

So I did, half laughing as I did so.

"Okay - I have been ordered to make a journal entry.

I truly have been giving deep thought to my next entry, as it will be a bit deeply thought out. However, right now I am tired, have been taking care of sick kids and am making this post to appease the MEAN man.

So there. So Kiss it!"

That last line I had written 'so kiss it', and I hesitated when I came to it, knowing he would grant that request. And I was right. As soon as the words left my mouth, he used his hand hard on my upturned bottom.

I kicked and squirmed and hollered. It did hurt! I finally kicked my legs up high enough to block his hand but that only earned me a brief respite.

He did stop for a few minutes and what a fool I was to even think my kicking my feet up had anything to do with it. No, he leaned and moved the page upwards, bringing up a journal entry 'C'mon Baby Light My Fire'.

"Read the title of that to me," he said.

I remained mute, knowing full well where that was heading.

"Read it."

"I don't wanna!!"

"Now!"

"It says..." I faltered.

"Yes?"

I muttered the title and once more, he obliged the forced request, peppering my over-sensitive backside with more hard spanks. Was I glad he wasn't using an implement, which I had fully expected!

And he asked me questions too. Things that I had no real choice in giving an answer to while OTK. Things like, 'are you going to make a journal entry to set this straight?'

"Yes! Yes!" Thinking in my mind, 'I'll show you, alright!'

The man knows me too well. "Is it going to be proper and sincere?"

Damn!

"Mmmmm...." which is what I say when I don't wanna give a committed answer.

He knows that too.

So he asked again, spanking harder.

"Owwww! Yessssssss......"

"Okay." He let me up, my long hair all tussled and in my face. He stood in front of me, gripping my chin to make me look at him.

I still had an attitude and refused to meet his eyes.

"Look up at me!"

I did - briefly - then away. He laughed and ordered me again. I did so and then he hugged me but I pushed him away in my petulance.

As we walked back into the bedroom, he placed an affectionate hand on my shoulder. I shrugged it off. "I'm mad at you!" I announced.

He chuckled and placed his hand on me again. I pushed it away. "Don't be pushing me, girl. You want another trip over my knee?"

"No." Grudgingly reluctant to admit defeat.

Back in bed, tho, he soon made up for it. W hile gulping heaving breaths I asked how he could be so mean yet so good to me at the same time? He answered that with another orgasm. :)

After we lay snuggled in bed, both satiated, I said to him, still holding a grudge from my earlier BG spanking,

"You know," I told him. "I shoulda left ya hanging. Rather than letting you finish, I shoulda brought you up to the edge and left ya there as payback." I was, of course, talking about sex.

The truth is tho, I enjoy his pleasure too. :) It's one thing that actually, for that time, is under my control. :)

We fell asleep in one another's arms, his hands cupping my warmed bottom.

And that's the story of my BG spanking!

The Wooden Spoon Gourmet Shop

2012-02-19T21:13:00.010-05:00

We visited a Wooden Spoon Store (yes, there is one), and look what we found!

For full ass coverage!

To get the job done when a Top is too lazy to get out of his recliner.

For getting into those small places for a quick startle (at least the left two will fit)

To get the job done with minimal effort

Just....evil.

What I think of wood?

Where Wood Belongs

Valentine Wedding Album

2012-02-14T10:31:00.014-05:00

While today is Valentine's Day, it is also our wedding anniversary and I thought I would share some photos from that day. There were quite a few people who followed us on our ZED AND GINGER blog who watched our relationship unfold, and the wedding plans as they commenced. At times I asked for suggestions, or advice, such as regarding my dress when I was planning its creation with one of the Civil War re-enacting seamstresses that we knew. Those who have known us for a long period of time know that we have a hobby of historical re-enacting and we had a themed wedding based out of the Civil War Era. Some of our closest spanko friends attended, the ones who we consider vanilla friends as well. It meant so much to us that they traveled long distances and set aside time to come and share this special day with us.

So, without further ado, some photos from that special day!

The Veil, which was made of French Lace. The dress itself was handcrafted and custom made, just for me, out of Italian Silk.

The moment the ring was placed on my finger during the ceremony. And yes, we used traditional vows in our wedding, including the words, "submit" and "obey". And in front of all of our family and friends! It was easy enough to get away with, being how our wedding was of the 1860's era.

Our first dance, painstakingly choreographed over the months before the wedding. It was to the Cinderella Waltz, "So This is Love".

After we had a live Civil War Era band (also fellow re-enactors) play period music and lead the guests (many of whom were dressed in Civil War garb, including our very own Richard Windsor who was the sole guest in Yankee military uniform at the Confederate filled event) in period dancing. After that part of the reception, we switched to a contemporary DJ where Richard Windsor actually got up and danced with the bride. As you can see, he had changed back into his NYC attire by this time.

The Groom's Cake, which was an awesomely constructed diorama of a Civil War Battlefield. It was chocolate and it was delicious! This was a surprise gift from one of the guests who has also constructed the Bride's cake as well.

And, after a long night of champagne and dancing, we retire back to the honeymoon suite. But not before having to call in a couple of my girls to help me get out of my intricately laced bodice. (It was too intricate for hubby to manage!)

And then, of course, the finale of the night! The wedding spanking.

Happy Valentine's Day, y'all!! And thank you still to those wonderful friends who came and made it a complete event in sharing our special day with us!!

Most importantly, Happy Anniversary to my husband, my rock, and the one who loves me unconditionally!

The Mayo Jar - A Lesson in Life

2012-02-09T13:17:00.003-05:00

I found this over at The Journey, and decided to share because this is certainly my outlook on life most of the time. I've been scarce lately for my online life, because I am dealing with the golf balls. The golf balls are most important, and something that I won't compromise to give attention to anything that goes on online. All that "stuff", the sand, has no real effect on my real daily life, unlike many who seem to view reality through their computer screen.

Kids, work, and all that is keeping me occupied at the moment. Constant trips outta town for my college aged son, a new grand baby being born, and new work duties are taking precedence right now.

And remember, no matter how full you think your life is, there is always room for something else you didn't know could fit!!

What's YOUR priority??

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The Mayonnaise Jar Lesson

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day is not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and two cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and fills it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured it into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “YES”.

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

“Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - God, family,

children, health, friends, and favorite passions. Things, that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the things that matter like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.” he said.

“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “There is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are

important to you...” he told them.

“So... pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Worship with your family. Play with your children. Take your partner out to dinner. Spend time with good friends. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the dripping tap. Take care of the golf balls first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled and said, “I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.”

Pingu Gets Spanked!

2012-02-01T20:54:00.002-05:00

I found this claymation show a few years ago when my youngest watched a channel on Direct TV called "Sprout", for preschool age kids. This show, about a penguin named Pingu, was shown in between scheduled shows.

The other day, we were going through old Pingu episodes on Youtube and came across this one. It is 5 minutes long, but he gets spanked in the first minute and a half.

Random Thoughts

2012-01-29T09:00:00.000-05:00

Yes, that’s exactly what they will be, too. Random. Will this have any spanking related stuff in it? I dunno…..keep reading to find out!

I am gonna just get right to the chase; I got what I needed last night. A spanking, you ask? No, not quite that altho the “need” for that may be questionable, depending on who you ask or what you’ve witnessed. I got a good, long, hard f*cking. I have found that such a thing can do wonders, almost as much as a good hard spanking. Sometimes.

I am going to ponder depression for a second. It wraps back to the above paragraph.

Kinda.

I have come to the conclusion that there is either something genetic or seasonal in some people that cause them to go into what modern psychiatry would probably call a mild depression, but I have come to wonder whether or not it is “depression” at all. I mean, there are certainly some of us who are more prone to anxiety and depression (raises hand high in the air)….and then there are others for whom it seems nothing much can bring them down for long. I don’t think that this is all in how we’ve “learned” to cope, altho I am certain learned behavior plays a role. It has to be a mix of genetic pre-disposition, learned behavior, and personality.

For instance, I have a friend who absolutely does not understand the concept of depression or anxiety in the clinical sense. Sure, she has experienced some down times, when she is sad or very short lived anxiety that is produced by a specific situation. In the clinical sense, she just does not understand it. In her mind, people should be able to easily control this. She is an extrovert for sure, and her life has not been all roses. She has had a variety of experiences that would have been a catalyst for depression in many others.

And then there are people like me. I’ve suffered from both anxiety and depression off and on since my teen years. Nothing was overtly severe until several years ago when many external forces came together all at once and completely overwhelmed me. I got past that point, my life has gotten much better since and I am the happiest that I have ever been.

Yet, I go through these periods that seem like……mild depression……and I can not find a catalyst for it. I am tired all the time, despite taking vitamins with iron, a whole food organic B complex vitamin and Vitamin C. Nothing much interests me. I do the things that I absolutely must do, and a bit more, but not as much as I should. I am tired even when I am able to get good sleep. I am unable to get good sleep quite often despite feeling exhausted…..over what?? LOL. My interest in sex wanes….and my drive is fairly low anyway. I know different things I should be doing to occupy myself and my mind, like writing or cleaning or reading or exercising, but the motivation is lacking. I just will not have the time or energy, which makes me feel even more blah. When I do exercise on a regular basis, it only slightly helps.

And spanking…..the interest in it decreases dramatically too. Oh, sure, I think about it. It’s in the back of my head. But doing it……not in the mood. Reading intelligent discussions on it? Not interested. Responding and discussing issues to do with it? Even less interested. It sucks, and I know that technically, it’s probably a depressive episode that will soon dissipate. But here lately, I have been questioning whether or not it’s truly attributed to “depression”? My life is calm. It’s stable. For the most part, I am quite emotionally happy and healthy in my relationships.

So what is it? Some weird aligning of the moon? That sounds funny, but I wonder about things like that. This fatigue has been worse this last week or so, and it seems that the kids are much tired within the last week as well. I’ve been hearing some others talk about how they’re the same. This makes me wonder if it is something in the air that has to do with the season change.

Anyway, the action I got last night gave me a bit of energy….lol. I walked today, and did Tae Bo, then started dinner in the crock pot, ironed some clothes, did some laundry, made some phone calls, ran some errands.

I dunno. Just always trying to understand what causes what. Does anyone else get this way? (Please do not tell me to go to the doctor….they’ve just handed me pills in the past, which I do NOT want. They bring their own set of problems.)

Falling Out of a Tree

2012-01-25T16:00:00.001-05:00

Quite a few years ago, I was in counseling in regards to my marriage. No, not the marriage to RG, but my 1^st husband, who I married at a very young age. He had cheated constantly; moving out, then back in, then out. The counselor, who is someone I knew personally and was very close to, had uttered two phrases one day that stuck with me for a long time.

The first was, “Feelings are fleeting.” This was in regards to my husband saying “I feel…..” as justification for constantly jumping in and out of the marriage, and therefore telling him that feelings alone were not a basis for decision-making, because feelings themselves rarely last.

The other thing he said was, “You don’t fall out of love. You fall out of a tree.” This was, of course, based on the premise (and that which I still believe) that love is not a feeling, but an action…..and a conscious choice one makes. I do believe love is a choice.

Being young, and desperately wanting him to love me, I struggled for years to become what he wanted me to become, only to be told yet again that I was not what he wanted, that he didn’t love me. Just when I would start to accept it, he would pop back in and swear his undying love for me. He would say he didn't mean what he said before, that he was confused and didn't know the source of that confusion. It would suck me back in, only for that cycle of boredom to start again.

Apparently, he did love me at one time. And today, still claims to love me despite us both being remarried. During our young marriage, however, he waffled back and forth depending on his boredom with life. Truth be told, he was confused about his own life and destiny. He bounced back and forth from job to job, getting bored easily. He was often irritable and seemed resentful of his responsibilities. He treated his family like a burden. He was searching for something, yet didn’t quite know what. I often felt he was looking at me to fix it, although I didn’t know what to do. I wanted then what I want now – stability, security, peace and family-life.

I guess new women gave him that “new” feeling of whatever it was he was trying to capture. Admiration from them, and “understanding”. With a new person, he had no responsibility, only Eros.

But I always turned the solution inward. He was the way he was because of me. And if I could only change, and give him what he wanted, needed, then we would be in harmony and he would be happy.

Oh, the pitfalls of delusion we as young girls often fall into. That we can change someone. That we can change for someone else, and they will finally be happy.

Of course, it’s an impossibility. We are not responsible for someone else’s happiness, nor can we take that burden upon ourselves. I mean, of course there are things in relationships that can be ironed out, and minor things changed once we realize how something may affect the other person in a way we had not realized. I am not talking about the kinds of compromises we make to make a relationship a bit easier to manage. I am talking about truly changing who we are to supposedly make another person “happy”. I have learned, from getting older, that happiness comes from within. It comes from who we are, and whether or not we are comfortable or accepting of who we are. Yes, other people can make our lives miserable too, and I realized we can be in a relationship with another person that can cause us to be “unhappy”. But I think this really comes from us being unhappy with who we have become in such a situation. I know, in the case of my first marriage, this was the case for me.

And maybe that was the case for him, too. Because I do recall one day, he said to me, “I don’t like who I am when I am with you.” When telling me why he was happier with yet another new fling. (Funny enough, he changed his tune when I left for good and didn’t look back).

I came to find….I didn’t like who I was with him. This person I had thought I was for so many years – I was not. I mean, inherently, I am the same person. At that young of an age, I did not realize yet that it was not only ok, but vital, that I be able to pursue my happiness parallel to AND with my husband. I was only pursuing happiness FOR him.

That brief background was to outline this: several months ago, I saw my ex and I found myself just staring at him from a distance. I was thinking how foreign it was, that time I was with him. I could absolutely not fathom today having the same feelings of intimacy for him that I used to have. It’s hard to even believe that I used to, because there is nothing there even close inside my heart. I just can not, for the life of me, imagine being in bed with him, or kissing him. The past, and all of the intimacies that went with it, are alien. Like they belong to a completely different person. And they do.

So, maybe some would say I truly did not love…..but I believe I did. I believe I made a conscious choice to stop loving him. I remember clearly the moment of release, and the gut wrenching pain that accompanied it. The pain was from feelings. The choice, from logic.

Or perhaps, I just fell really hard out of that tree?

I Ain't Your Slave!

2012-01-21T11:16:00.001-05:00

Me, home all day. Bored, nothing to do, dealing with septic tank issues that no plumber seems to be able to figure out.

Enter RG, home from a long hard day at work. As he starts down the hallway toward the bedroom computer to check something out I asked him to, and I head towards the kitchen this is what follows:

RG: Get me a glass of wine

Me: pfffft.....get your own, lazy.

I go to the living room and plop on the couch, despite hearing him come back down the hallway.

RG: What did you say? (arched eyebrow)

Me: You heard me. What do you think I am, your slave?

I am yanked up off the couch unceremoniously by a grasp to my arm and dragged down the hallway into the bedroom. I am thrust to the edge of the bed.

RG: (picking up the prison strap) Bend Over!

Me: (reluctantly bending) The window is open!

RG walked over to the bedroom window and shut it, then closed the blinds. He approached me with the strap.

Me: There are other windows open too!

He ignores me.

RG: What was that you said in there?

Me: you can get your own glass of wine! I ain't your slave!

Whack! And HARD, too.

Me: Ow!! The bathroom window is open!

Whack! Even harder.

Me: OWWWWWW!!

RG: What was that you said?

WHACK! Harder still!

Me: That I'll get you the glass of wine!!

He pulls me up by my arm and kinda pushes me toward the bedroom door.

Me: Lazy. (under my breath as I start down the hall)

I hear him behind me and I walk faster. So does he. I make it to the kitchen first, get a wine glass and fill it with wine as he watches. I keep my mouth shut.

Me: (as he walks away) Tyrant! (under my breath)

He didn't hear.

Lighten Up, Francis!

2012-01-13T11:23:00.004-05:00

Given the depth and serious nature of my last post, I thought something light was in order.

A few years ago I found this online.

Yeah, so maybe I need a spanking for being lazy with an update!! Being serious saps so much energy out of ya!

So, plans for this weekend MAY include some spanking!

I don't know how many of you use livingsocial.com, but I love it. We have gotten so many great deals there that we use down the road for 'date night', or something we would do anyway as a family.

For instance, we've got great deals on ice skating and have taken the kids for an outing (admission, plus skate rental, popcorn and drinks for 2 for $9.99). That was great cuz Keagen went with us, having been the one to tell us of the deal, and she was like a kid herself out on the ice with the kiddos!

We bought admission for 2, plus hot cocoa and snacks, for a Haunted Hayride Tour back at Halloween through Living Social. We took the kids Tour for a total of maybe $15 (there were, like, 5 of us). It was very oriented, with a bonfire first, then a magic show that lasted about 30 minutes with the Crypt Keeper. After the show, we all piled onto the hay wagon that had a coffin in the middle. During the long ride out into the middle of a field (about a 20 minute ride in the dark), a demon came out of the coffin and interacted with the riders. At one point, another ghoul climbed onto the tractor and there were two evils interacting. They were just scary enough to delight the kids, but not too horribly mean to really make the kids so frightened they didn't wanna be there. We were delivered to a haunted house, which we all went through, and then a ride back through the field with the demon and some of her minions from hell. Then, cocoa and a bonfire again. The whole thing lasted about 2 hours, start to finish.

Not a bad outing for 5 people on $15!

Then, we bought a voucher for a comedy club on the river. It includes the comedy show admission (usually a $20 value per person), plus two appetizers, plus unlimited soft drinks for $25. We have yet to use it, but are saving it for a date night.

And also, recently, I spotted a great deal on a Bed and Breakfast in Pennsylvania Dutch Country. $76/night (max two nights) includes the beautiful room, a candle-lit three course country breakfast for two, and a gift basket full of whoopie pies, Wilbur chocolates, and gift certificates for free desserts at a local dessert house. Normally, I wouldn't bother much with something so far except - get this - it is on the route to Atlantic City!! So, we are getting the package to take a little side trip in April when we make our way to SSNY's Boardwalk Badness Weekend!

Anyway, I got off track there! Back to our weekend.....

On Living Social, I actually got a voucher for $30 worth of food and drink for a price of $15 at a winery restaurant in a downtown city where I grew up. Since it's about an hour and a half away, we decided to use it this weekend. This restaurant is cool. They make their own wine and have a room where you can sample some of the wines and watch through a window as they make wine while you are sipping. It appears as if their food is pretty good as well. And since hubby has a movie he wants to see, and kiddos are gone for the weekend, then we will have a 'date weekend'.

This 'date weekend' also means meeting up with a spanko friend or two. For sure, we will have dinner with Keagen at our favorite place to dine with her on Sunday on our way back home. Secondly, someone out there ~ahem, Lisa~ owes me Krispy Kreme donuts!

Mmmmmm, wine and donuts.....

Anyway, I hope the lightness of the weekend will lead to some play! Then I will have something to write about at the beginning of next week!! :)

Toodles!

Missing Person

2012-01-10T12:00:00.003-05:00

Inspired by a post on Knotty Little Monkey's blog, I have decided to post a piece I wrote back in 2008 regarding some of my beliefs, and my struggles therein. I did post it at the time I wrote it on an online diary of mine, so a few of my readers from that site have seen it. I posted it there because it is largely a vanilla site, with a much more restrictive audience for my posts, and those who I allow to read me are people I have known for 8-10 years now and developed friendships with.

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Missing Person

Just in case you're wondering "WTF was that last entry about?" -- here is a deeper piece of me, in this entry.

It may be long -- hell, it more than likely will be long...lol. So, if you're not really all that interested in my life, thoughts and struggles outside of the dirty, kinky entries that highlight my involvement in the carnal pleasures of this world, you might as well take a hike now.

To explain what is going on in my head, as many should by now know, will take a lot of wordy diarrhea. That's how I sort through things once my brain becomes overloaded with something specific. I am getting overwhelmed. It's not wedding jitters, this much I can say. I mean, I suppose some of the anxiety can be contributed to that, but that's not the core of it. This struggle in me has been going on for a long, long time and it is true that the marriage may finally bring this to a head because that is a turning point for some of my thoughts on this matter.

What matter? you may ask. Well, one involving God. Yes, God. I hesitate to write any of this here, given the nature of my rants in this diary. I've always tried to make a point to separate the kink stuff from the religious stuff. Kinda seemed hypocritical, really. I suppose I could create another diary - but what for? It's still me. Writing about this under this name is more honest anyway.

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And I think the conclusion of the matter for me was that I think I would rather live on the verge of falling and let my security be in the all-sufficiency of the grace of God than to live in some kind of pietistic illusion of moral excellence.

"Not that I don't want to be morally excellent, but my faith isn't in the idea that I'm more moral than anybody else. My faith is in the idea that God... and His love... are greater than whatever sins any of us commit."

---------Rich Mullins

A little about my background and beliefs:

I do have a core belief in God and the Christian theology. And while some of the things I have come to know were a result from growing up in the Church and a Christian family, I also studied Scripture for myself and developed my own relationship with God, and understanding of His Word through that, as I believe all Christians should.

I am not content to be told “this is what you should believe”. I can use the things I was taught growing up as a foundation, but ultimately as I developed my own understanding based on my own seeking and free will, I did not fully believe in some of the traditions that the Church touted that was outside of the basic fundamentals of Christianity, which are really as follows:

Fundamental Beliefs of Christian faith, whatever denomination

In God the Father
That Jesus Christ was God’s Son, and God incarnate
In the Holy Spirit, and therefore the Trinity, that they are one yet separate
That Christ was crucified, died and rose again on the third day
That Christ’s death and resurrection reconciles us with God if we confess it and accept it

Whether we believe in Evolution or Creation, that gays should or should not be allowed to marry, that one sin is greater than another, whether or not women should teach in the Church, that abortion is wrong or a woman’s right, whether Hell is a place or state of being ---- all of these are side issues. ALL of them. None of these define Christianity or makes one a Christian or not. What makes one a Christian is whether or not one sincerely accepts the grace God has given us. That’s all. That’s all. It’s simple, and not as complicated as some in the Church like to make it. That is the bare essentials of what makes one a Christian vs not. There are no other differences. We are all prone to bad thoughts about others, to sexual temptation, to manipulation, to deceit, to self. It’s a conscious effort to put that aside and seek the peace that comes only from God. It’s a life-long search and journey. It’s a thirst.

The way we live, the seeds we sow, the fruits we bear --- all side issues that develop as our understanding grows, and we allow God to make of us what HE will, not what others will.

It is because of such complications and judgment and side issues that I have grown cold to much of what I do truly believe deep down.

Over the last few years, I have been having serious doubts about God, and my faith in general. Because the Church can be so hypocritical, it’s easy to pin the blame there. But the Church is made up of people like me, of people like you. They’re not perfect either. They can be pious. They can be judgmental. They do things that are clearly not done in love, and seem to forget that there are real and hurting people who simply need to be reached out to rather than condemned and told how evil they are. Not everyone who has these traits is Christian. There are many non-Christians who are judgmental and pious in their own beliefs and agendas as well, condemning those who do not believe as they. It's a human trait.

And on both sides there are good, sincere people who get caught up in all of this when all they want to do is seek to do what is true and good and right.

I’ve often heard from people outside of the Christian faith question how any intelligent person can truly believe in God. What a ridiculous story, they say. And I have to admit, when I look at it from their viewpoint, I can fully understand why it’s perplexing, almost comical, to them. I’ve never been one to refuse to look at the other side (despite what some may believe) – and I mean truly view the other side, and not just what MY side says the other side’s argument is. I see this so much in both Christians and anti-Christians alike. The Christian groups inform their own about the beliefs of the anti-Christians, and the anti-Christians inform their own about the beliefs of Christians. In both cases, there is an obvious bias and agenda.

I get disgusted and disenfranchised by this. This is no way to get to the real truth of the beliefs of the opposite group if you don’t venture out into what they actually believe without it being colored by your own belief and teachings. To see through their eyes, and why they think the way they do rather than looking at it to disprove, but to understand. Even if in the end you disagree.

Now, there’s a lot of crap to sort out. There are extremists everywhere who do not speak for what the group as a whole would actually subscribe to. This only continues to confuse understanding.

I’ve come very close to chucking my beliefs entirely due to truly seeking to understand. Some days I can sit back and cynically laugh along with the agnostics or atheists. Really, how crazy is this story? How desperate does one have to be to base your belief, and life, around such impossibility?

Science scoffs at Biblical claims (actually, in many ways science supports much of it but I won’t go there – that’s another rant entirely). There are so many unanswered questions. The stars will actually fall from the sky? The sky will tear in two? A donkey talked? The sun stood still for a whole day? (although there is historical and astrological evidence that does support this phenomena) Life was destroyed, yet also saved, because one man built a boat and somehow summoned all of the animals onto it so they were preserved? (although there is actual real science that helps support a worldwide flood as well) A virgin has a baby who was actually God, yet also His son? He died, and actually rose from the dead….all for…..so I can have a relationship with God and live eternally with Him in heaven? Why? There are many who do not understand why this had to be done to begin with. It is one of the mysteries as well to me in some ways. If God is Almighty and can do anything, why was any of this necessary? Why couldn’t He just decide to cleanse us of impurity? I understand that He is perfect, sinless and can not be in the presence of sin, but if He is God and Almighty…..? Why would such an infinite character with all of this power care about us? It makes no sense. Why? Why? Why? All so Israel, God’s chosen, can be restored??

There’s so much suffering in the world. I know this has to do with the free will of Mankind, and the consequences that come from the choices that we all make. Yes, I believe that. Down to Adam, who got the ball rolling and after whom creation began to deteriorate when he exercised free will. To the continuous choices being made by all that have brought disease, death and destruction onto this world, and continue to do so.

I have no answers or explanations to these questions, and more.

But I also know that I can look at this world, at the order of nature all the way through the order of the universe as a whole, and there is no way I can believe that it all happened simply by a chance explosion of a star, or black hole, or huge asteroids crashing into one another that lined our planet up in perfect rotation with a star that gives it just enough warmth to be conducive to life, with just the right atmosphere and necessities to make that possible anymore than the Sydney Opera House was a result of a brick factory explosion or Mt. Rushmore was due to millions of years of erosion.. I can not believe that such intricate order came from chaos. No, in my eyes, it takes much more blind faith to believe that.

Over the last few years, I have done some serious questioning about God’s existence, however. I was dutifully involved in the Church and sought to live the life of a believer. I sought God on my own, as well as went to Church for the fellowship of others in the family of God. I relied on Him to guide me, prayed to Him to lead me. Thought I was doing what Scripture says in regards to marriage and family and other things as well.

It’s redundant to be told that if you just “cast your burdens on the Lord” that your burdens become lighter. They don’t. It’s frustrating to be told that “sometimes God’s answer is No” when you are broken and see no clear answer at all, much less “no”. Or to be told, “God works in mysterious ways.” It’s tiring to be told to seek the Lord in prayer, ask Him to lead you and light your way, only to still be fumbling in the darkness when you’ve cried out to him in desperation because you are hanging by a thread, relying on the promises that He hears those cries, and will at the very least give comfort. To pour and pour over His word looking for guidance and answers, but getting confusion instead. Fine, tell me God works in mysterious ways. Seek, and ye shall find…..I view these all as pious dismissals of real and hurting people who need help.

But when you are breaking inside, and the pleas go unanswered……

That’s how I felt. I sought understanding not only through Scripture, but from very wise people who I respected.

All I hear are clichés. So many things said and taught by the Church just do not seem to give real world answers to real world problems. People are hurting, and broken. Yes, even the ones who are Christians……they break. They need help and guidance and assurance.

I truly believe that if one belongs to Christ, that one has the Holy Spirit inside them. The Spirit is responsible for comforting us. The Spirit applies God’s truth to our hearts, which is called conviction. The Spirit helps guide us. He is our intercessor when we can not speak or pray for ourselves.

I guess this doesn’t make much sense to those who have not accepted Christ, or know the depths of the Christianity belief. I can understand how it sounds like crazy talk. In my own head, it sounds crazy too.

But this…..this is the primary reason why I can not and will not fully let go of what I believe to be true when it comes to God. I have experienced God. It’s not because I was conditioned or brain washed. It all comes back to what I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I have experienced as a believer.

The arguments against there being any kind of deity are convincing intellectually. They make sense in many, many ways in my head. My head, where my logic is at, can make a lot of sense in the case against Christianity and its fundamental beliefs. The way it’s portrayed in the world makes it look ridiculous --- I plainly see that. I am almost embarrassed by it. I can look through the eyes of those who do not believe, and fully see and understand why they don’t believe, and why they ridicule. I can look through their eyes and see a pious judgmental group based on a mythological character. I can look through their eyes and see the absolute absurdity of the beliefs and claims of Christianity, or any religion for that matter. I find it absurd that anyone would worship a statue made of earthen metals as a religion; to truly believe that this gold or bronze or whatever metal “god” can hear and see and act. I fully know that what I see in other belief systems are very easily seen in Christianity as well. My head actually can very well be swayed in that direction. It nearly has.

It comes back to this. I know. I’ve experienced God. In many, many ways. Oh there have been many, many, many times I felt He was nowhere to be found, didn’t care. I’ve seen, tho. No matter how much I try to intellectualize that and pass it off as something else, the bottom line is it can’t be done. Everything else I can chuck in the garbage because of everything rational that seems to contradict it.

However, I can’t do that because I do know. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, God revealed Himself and His truth to me years ago, and several times after. I can not explain it away no matter how I bend it. I know what I experienced. On more than one occasion. I can not deny it, regardless of how much “intelligence” speaks against the actual belief system of Christianity.

This is the mystery, a divine mystery.

I may not have the answers to the how’s and why’s of those beliefs, and may seriously doubt certain interpretations of them…..but one thing I do know for certain due to my experience with God is that He exists. Of that I am certain. I may not be fully certain about my purpose, or really even His….but I do know He exists. I start to doubt that occasionally, really question it. But then I think back to my experiences....and I can't. And because of that, I can not allow the other things that I doubt or don’t understand to be thrown out the window, as easier as that would seem to really make things.

It’s difficult to explain to those who have not actually experienced such, the certainty that comes with it. The old cliché about “seeing the light” – yes, it’s actually like that. I recall actually looking back at my life before experiencing God and – it’s hard to explain ---- but seeing complete darkness. My first experience with God in this way, this enlightenment, was around the age of 12. Even at that young age, I could look back at my life before then and see absolute darkness. I vividly remember being horrified at the depth of the darkness, and wondering how was I ever able to live like that? It was like seeing myself dead. Yet I was alive looking back at my dead self. I know, weird – but that’s what I recall with great detail.

I distinctly remember the absolute peace I had inside. It lasted…..it is probably the closest to true contentment and happiness I have ever felt. It lasted until life, like usual, started to chip away at that and little by little, compromises and choices I made separated me further and further from that. Over the years, even during these times, God has made Himself known to me in undeniable ways. It’s easy for people who do not know to chalk it up to, “oh, it’s just coincidence” or “people choose to make of something what they want to believe” – and if you think like that I can’t help it. There is truth in it when people say, "oh when it happens, you know without a doubt." I know what I experienced and I know-- despite my attempts to move away from all of this, to not be “burdened” with it, so to speak, and to prove to myself that it was all a waste of time, a big fairy tale meant to make us feel better and give us some kind of hope to cling to --- that these experiences can not just be easily swept aside by me. Because I know.

This is not to preach. I am not a perfect person, obviously. No one is. I get as disgusted and annoyed by the self righteous people in the Church as those who are not nor have ever been involved in the Church. This is actually a big reason why I have been absent from the Church. I was not going to be one more hypocrite knowingly being something I wasn’t. White washed tombs. I blend in right well while carrying my cross in the “dens of the wicked”.

But the biggest reason is that the institution of the Church is so politicized. It always has been. There are good people there, those who really do serve and love others and want to reach out to the poor and downtrodden without expectation just as Christ himself did. But the actual institution is corrupt as a whole. It’s about power. It’s no different than in Jesus’ day when the Pharisees saw Christ as a threat because He taught forgiveness and love. That took away their power of fear over people.

That doesn’t mean we can’t have personal opinions on matters. It also does not mean we are perfect people who do no wrong. We foul up just like everyone else. We struggle with the same insecurities and temptations. We think bad thoughts about people. An example from a song I can think of is this:

“The plumber has a drip in his spicket

The mechanic has a clink in his car

The preacher’s thinking thoughts that are wicked

And the lover’s got a lonely heart.”

One would expect that the plumber would have no plumbing problems in his own house, or that the mechanic’s car would be running perfectly because of who they are. But that’s not always the case. And that’s the same with those who are Christians. We struggle with the same doubt and insecurities about life as those who are not Christians.

This is all starting to come to a head for me right now. I am restless. I know what this restlessness is from. I can separate it from my normal restlessness or anxiety that I can sometimes be prone to. It’s different. And this…..this I can see is another revelation starting to come through.

And this time, I have a desperate willingness to listen. I have wondered over the last few years if the Spirit had departed from me, if the teachings were wrong and that you could “fall from grace”. I have wondered if my heart had become such a rock that there was no hope for ever……having that again in my life………

Once more, the Spirit has determined when that readiness is there.

In a weird way, I almost dread what’s to come. At the same time, there is tremendous relief because it speaks to a greater truth. That He's there....and has sought out His lost sheep. Cuz I can tell you, I sure as hell haven't been seeking the last few years.

I don’t know how much sense this made. Some reading will think I am absolutely off my rocker….and that’s ok. I don’t want platitudes, I don’t want clichés (how I hate those), I most certainly don’t want arguments or convincing one way or another. I’ve read it all, all the reasoning on both sides. People write from their own understanding of a matter. Like many things I write, I needed to have this manifested in a physical way. Writing does that for me. Thoughts, anxiety, feelings flow out of me onto paper – or in this case, the screen. It calms me, helps me to sort my thoughts and make some sense of them. Some people will see no sense in this….lol…..but that’s ok.

I didn’t write this for anyone but myself. Sharing it simply enables you to know me more.

Current Mood: Overwhelmed

You're Right, Dear!

2012-01-03T14:56:00.002-05:00

This is an older piece written a few years ago (you'll see the 2008 in the yahoo conversation below). Some may have seen it, but I know others have not. So - enjoy this little quip!

************************************8

RG and I both have our own personal computers. Mine is located in our bedroom and his is located in his office in the basement. Occasionally, although we are in the same house, we will pop up a conversation on yahoo instant messenger rather than run up and down the stairs. Especially if the question or discussion has to do with something online.

Some who know me well know that I can be somewhat of a spelling nazi. Now - I am not talking things like typos and such, especially on this online venue, but consistent mistakes of people I feel should "know better". Certain things really bug me, some of the more common mistakes at that. (A GOOD example is the "there, their, and they're" mistakes or "your and you're").

Usually I refrain from saying anything but, because of this, RG sometimes will give his blog posts to me for editing. Not because he doesn’t know proper grammar and spelling --- of course he does (his job demands it). But many times he is too tired after writing a piece to edit it himself and catch mistakes, and me…well, when reading it for the first time, I read every word and can usually catch the typos and such that happen when he writes when tired and in a hurry.

The following is a yim conversation during the editing of such a post.

sarah (4/16/2008 9:43:15 PM): here?

RG (4/16/2008 9:43:24 PM): Yep.

RG (4/16/2008 9:43:25 PM): I love you.

sarah (4/16/2008 9:43:40 PM): I am in edit mode and am going to add links to names while correcting errors. Love you too

sarah (4/16/2008 9:44:00 PM): like, make "Richard Windsor" a link so when his name is clicked, it goes to his blog

RG (4/16/2008 9:44:04 PM): That's cool. Thanks. I appreciate that.

sarah (4/16/2008 9:55:04 PM): did amber not go to the riverwalk with you guys?

RG (4/16/2008 9:55:11 PM): Nope, not the first night.

(This next line came because RG had written something about the River Walk in San Antonio, with the canals and the boats, etc. having a “Venician” feel to it. He was meaning, of course, that it had a feel of being in Venice.)

sarah (4/16/2008 9:55:37 PM): did you mean Venetian?

sarah (4/16/2008 9:55:44 PM): not venician

sarah (4/16/2008 9:55:54 PM): ?

(Note that he didn’t answer right away and, knowing him, I assumed he was looking it up so he could prove me wrong. But I knew I was correct.)

sarah (4/16/2008 9:56:18 PM): looking it up real quick to see if I am right?

RG (4/16/2008 9:56:37 PM): I think I'm right on this one.

sarah (4/16/2008 9:56:40 PM): nope

RG (4/16/2008 9:56:40 PM): i.e. the city spelling

sarah (4/16/2008 9:56:57 PM): you would think…..and spell check accepted my spelling but not yours

sarah (4/16/2008 9:56:58 PM): also...

sarah (4/16/2008 9:57:23 PM): Vegas has a hotel named after the city too

sarah (4/16/2008 9:57:28 PM): and it's spelled my way (insert cheesy grin here)

sarah (4/16/2008 9:57:36 PM): look it up, go on

RG (4/16/2008 9:57:57 PM): That's what I've got you for.

sarah (4/16/2008 9:58:15 PM): dictionary.com does not accept yours when I put it in, it asks me if I want MY spelling....lol

sarah (4/16/2008 9:59:04 PM): Venetian: in or in imitation of the style typical of Venice: Venetian architecture.

RG (4/16/2008 9:59:20 PM): Not from Venus?

sarah (4/16/2008 9:59:36 PM): is that what you want? venus?

sarah (4/16/2008 10:00:13 PM): say it

sarah (4/16/2008 10:00:18 PM): "You're right, dear"

sarah (4/16/2008 10:00:26 PM): "You're right.....again."

(4/16/2008 10:00:28 PM): (insert smiley)

RG (4/16/2008 10:00:37 PM): I'll spell it out for you...on something good to spell it out on.

And guess what he did?? A few moments later, while I was still graciously editing his post for him, he came up to the bedroom, pulled me up out of my seat (as I protested, of course) and wrestled me over his lap.

He then spelled “You’re right, dear” one smack at a time out loud.

And me….well, I didn’t care if it meant more spanks. I insisted he spell out “A-G-A-I-N” as well.

Those were extra hard smacks.

Out With The Old, In With The New

2011-12-31T20:36:00.004-05:00

This won't be a long post. We have guests at our house for this New Year's Eve. Our friends Batman and Dotty are here, staying the weekend to ring in the new year together. Tonight we had a wonderful dinner that Dotty cooked us; authentic Malaysian food, plus dessert! Soon we will be making Italian Margaritas. The champagne is chilled, with orange juice and cranberry on standby to make mimosas. Chil Con Queso is cooking the crock pot. We still have eggnog in the fridge and Southern Comfort.

Yes, we're set. Nice to ring in with the new year with good friends.

Out with the Old:

This year was a pretty good one for me, for the most part. We did a lot of traveling, and got to see friends quite frequently. I got to travel to places I'd never been, and re-visit places I love. The SSC was a huge success, probably the best party yet as well as the biggest. We had tons of people request invites for the next one, so I'd say in the eyes of the community that it's also something positively viewed. There have been job changes for us both, and considerations to move.

My father had a heart attack in January. Actually, he had two. I was very scared. I thought I was going to lose my Daddy. He underwent quadruple bypass and his year has been a slightly difficult one with transitions, yet he has continued to gain strength and heal. The encouragement and support of my friends bonded me closer to them.

I've cut off several diseased branches in the area of relationships. I've renewed estranged relationships. I've fallen in love with a child who may end up becoming 'my' child. I've done a lot of self reflecting, thinking on love and life and making a difference, on death and dying and God. I've recalled experiences that have made me what I am, beliefs that sprung from those experiences that I had long forgotten have been pondered once more. I've visited and kissed my grandparents' graves, and have come to the realization that my own time with my own parents is going quickly.

In With The New:

In the new year I plan to start anew once more. I want:

More family time. My goal is to create a family night once a week.
To take more time for me so that I may take better care of myself. Exercise, eating better, physical and mental wellness overall. This means eating breakfast!
To enjoy life to its fullest. So far we do this pretty well. "Do it while you can". We create memories this way, for us and the children. Creating more special memories is a goal.
Finish house renovations!
Be more compassionate where needed, and harder where needed. This seems contradictory, but my belief is that certain people deserve no quarter when they prey upon others.
Travel to a new place again. I like familiarity, but traveling to new and exciting places creates great experiences and memories, and it's even better when it's with people you love to be around.
Continue to be comfortable with who I am, what I am, and unapologetic to those who don't like it!! They can kiss my ASS! :)

Happy New Year!!!

More Evidence

2011-12-30T11:11:00.004-05:00

I've written about my mother's and my conversation in the past, and told y'all that she suspects/knows about my kink. Not necessarily all the details, but the generalities.

I also told you how I have suspected my father as being one of us, just based on some of his reactions to things in the past and some things my mother has told me about their life together. (Details of which I obviously won't share.)

Well.

On Christmas, we were at my parents' house just kinda hanging out, opening gifts, eating great food (the fruitcake was a hit, btw). The kids were enjoying their new toys. My daughter was roller skating around the house in her new skates, my son was shooting his bow and arrows, my other son was reading a book, Baby J was crawling around playing with boxes on the floor, and my father was downstairs in the basement watching tv. RG was snoozing on the couch.

My mother started to tell me about how she and my father, in goofing around a few nights before, had recorded themselves singing as ringtones for each other's phones. She played me one that she had put on her phone. Appropriate. Totally vanilla, of my father singing. My mother, after all, works as a professor in a highly reputable religious organization so she would only have such appropriateness set as her ring tone.

Then she started to giggle like a 15 yr old.

"You won't believe what I set his ringtone as on his phone!" she snickered. "When I call him at work, it will ring and it will be hilarious!"

I was only half listening, trying to keep track of Baby J and picking up stuff off the floor from the present-opening frenzy earlier.

"Oh?" I said, feigning interest.

She was going through her phone, trying to find it, still giggling. "It's really funny," she told me. "It's supposed to be private, just between us, but I thought it would be funny to set it as a ring tone on his phone. He will be so surprised!"

So, she motioned me over to her because she didn't want to turn it up too loud for others to hear. She then played back, and to my surprised, I heard my father's voice singing to the tune of Santa Baby,

"Santa Baby,
I've been a really, really bad girl.
Spank me.
I need a spanking real hard...."

My mother was just giggling and giggling while I just stared at her.

"You put that as his ring tone on his phone without him knowing?" I asked, incredulous. That is so out of character for my normally very straight-laced mother.

"Yes!" she tittered. "he will be so surprised!"

I just kinda laughed and shook my head.

The next day, before they were set out to leave to drive my sister back home 90 minutes away, I heard her in the kitchen singing the song to him.

Kinky Christmas Gift

2011-12-28T15:24:00.006-05:00

The London Tanner made a Bondage belt, for a party in Ireland that they went to called the Twisted Leprechaun. He only made 10, specifically for the party's vendor fair, and would be making no more.

The London Tanner (Ian) and his wife Kay are good friends of ours, and we have spent a lot of time together in person. I made a comment about wishing I could get a hold of one. Well, they had one left over that didn't sell and sold it to me.

I was ecstatic!!! They are FUCKING awesome people!

I have 1 of only 10 London Tanner Bondage Belts made!! And the other 9 are over in Europe!

Be jealous!!

Merry Christmas to All!

2011-12-25T03:02:00.004-05:00

Yes, that's our Christmas Tree. As you can see, Santa has already come! ;)

While I was up at 3 a.m. on Christmas Morning, I figured I would do a quick write up and wish everyone a Merry Christmas since in a few hours we will be involved in a whirlwind of activity! I know many others will be, too.

Christmas Eve was relaxed and laid back. I made a homemade fruitcake, and man is it good! Like many, my main experience has been the brick-like monstrosities in the grocery store and I always wondered, does anyone actually eat fruitcake?

Well, turns out it used to be quite a staple at Christmas. Long ago, before mass storage and long distance trucking in of out of season fruit, it was quite a treat to have fruit in the winter time. Fruitcake, as well as fruit in stockings (anyone get that as a kid? I did!) was a big deal.

Of course, fruitcakes were not manufactured - they were made at home, by hand, and eaten fresh.

And that is exactly how I made mine. I candied my own fruit that went into it as well. I can't stop picking at it altho it is for tomorrow for Christmas dinner! Wow, is it good - and I NEVER thought I would say that about fruitcake, ever!

Anyway, I am curious as to how many track Santa through NORAD at Christmas? It's always so fun to do that!

From RG and I, we hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas!! Enjoy your day!

My Christmas Baby

2011-12-23T10:30:00.005-05:00

This is the time of year when materialism is at its most rampant. For years, I refused to buy into the hype on certain toys that my kids will scream they want and then not ever touch again after the initial opening of the gifts. I noticed that my children were starting to become apathetic over the last few years about opening presents. And is it any wonder?

They start the second weekend in December with the family gift exchange party that we have with our older adult children and their families, and RG’s side of the family.

Then, they go to their paternal grandfather’s house for a family gift exchange and party on the third weekend in December.

On Christmas Eve, they go to their paternal grandmother’s for a gift exchange and party.

Then on Christmas day, they have ‘Santa Claus’ morning at their father’s and open gifts under the tree there. Then they have ‘Santa Claus’ with us, and open gifts under the tree at our house. Then we put them in the van, and drive out of town to visit my parents, where they open even more gifts.

It’s become so much, that by the time they get to Christmas day, they have no excitement left.

This year, while we still did the family Christmases at various homes throughout December (there really is no way around it), I told the kids that I would be getting them only 3 gifts for the tree. They did complain, but I reminded them that they already have so much that they don’t play with (every year before Christmas we go through that stuff, and donate it), and that so many people are without.

Now, we did get them more than 3 gifts, but you know what? Most of it was stuff they needed, like hats, gloves, and scarves. Boots for winter. Board games for cold, winter days where they are stuck indoors. Nice, warm pajamas. Stuff I would have bought them anyway, and stuff that fosters togetherness and warmth.

Every year, tho, we do give but the kids don’t always see the directness of that. This year, they got to learn some lessons – some real lessons about real people – on how lucky they truly are, and how people in our own backyard struggle just for basics. For those of you interested, I did write a piece on my other blog about something of this nature on my other blog HERE.

So, this year my daughter helped me bag up lots of old clothing (nice clothing, too) to take to the free store that operates here in our area. We actually had some brand new toys from last year’s Christmas that never made it out of the box, and those got packed up too. This free store takes furniture and clothing donations, and people in our community can come by and ‘shop’. It’s all free. The people and their need is verified and they have vouchers. Many of the kids just need decent clothing for school, and winter coats. We had tons of boys jeans, and a couple of coats, and lots of sweater, sweatshirts and pajamas, as well as shoes.

I explained to my daughter that there were people in her own school even who probably didn’t have enough to eat at home. To her, that is unfathomable.

I have always been one who feels great compassion for the truly needy. I don’t have much compassion for people who do nothing to pull out of what they live in, and have no desire to help themselves. The ones who perpetually are ‘victims’, when really their own choices place them where they are in life, and those choices also make it more and more difficult to pull out. The ones who feel entitled to others working to make sure their needs are met, when they do nothing to try and meet their own needs, or their children’s needs.

However, even in those situations, I always have compassion for the children. So much so that I have to sometimes refuse to acknowledge certain circumstances and information about certain people, because to know means I would go in and do something……and that carries great emotional risk, as well as financial. It means being helpless in many cases, and I don’t like the discomfort of knowing someone is in need, and yet not really being able to help in the way that is truly needed. It’s one reason why I have refused jobs that deal with the social system. I know I would not be able to sleep at night, knowing about certain children’s situations and being able to do nothing about it.

But when I give, tho, I like it to be personal. Not just write a check to a charity for food baskets for unnamed people (although we DO do that as well). I like to know of the need, and see the difference for myself that what I have done has made. In those instances, I want involvement.

And with that we come to my Christmas Baby.

I don’t talk about it often, but I have a sibling who is a drug addict. To say I keep my distance is an understatement. While he and I were close growing up, I do not get involved with him in any real way because of his choices. I see him maybe once a year, if that, and only if he is able to drag himself out of bed to come to a family function. And that rarely happens. He always says he will be there, and then doesn’t show. Typical addict behavior.

My mother sometimes will go by his house and provide a meal, or take him some food, and often there are other people just like him who are squatting in his house because they have nowhere else to go due to being in the same kind of lifestyle as he is. Back in the spring, she told me of this time where she stopped by and how worried she was because there were people living in the house with him, and one of those people was a newborn baby with his father cuz the mother was in jail. The baby had been born in jail. She was worried, and said that she was watching the situation, in case she needed to call in social services. I just shook my head. The last thing my brother needed to have in that house was an infant. Yet, these people had no place else to go and were literally homeless, so he let them stay.

Fast forward to months later. Apparently these people had left at some point after the initial discovery by my mother. I was with my mother one day when a call came in from my brother. This guy, his girlfriend freshly released from jail, and the baby were on his doorstep needing a place to stay. What should he do? My mother told him, “They are not your responsibility.”

Despite that, he allowed them in to stay.

A few weeks later was Thanksgiving. My mother had gone to my brother’s home to check on him and to see if he still planned to come over for Thanksgiving dinner the next day. She came back to her house, where we were all at for overnight, and said there was a baby there. She told me how cute he was, but how the adults in the house were just lying around on the bed. The baby was crying – he is not really allowed to crawl and play like normal. Being 8 months old, up until recently he had probably been pretty compliant with lying around and sleeping as well, but now he was at that age to want to explore.

My mother said, ‘I almost brought him back with me. When I picked him up, he stopped crying and started laughing.’

My heart melted. ‘Go back and get him!’ I told her. She hesitated. She wasn’t sure.

‘I don’t know how involved I wanna get,’ my mother said. ‘I may have to call CPS on them at some point.’

‘Go back and get him,’ I insisted, cuz I could tell she really wanted to.

‘His car seat is plastic, with no cushion, What will I bring him back in?’ she asked.

‘Take a blanket!’ I told her. ‘Go back, bring him back. I will take care of him. While you are gone, I will go to the consignment shop and get some baby toys, some pajamas, and a couple of outfits.’

So, she and my sister packed in the car and I took my vehicle to the consignment shop and did some quick shopping. I already knew the baby had virtually nothing, and these things would get us through the night and next day.

When I returned to the house, the baby was sitting in the middle of the living room with everyone’s attention on him. He was being entertained by my college aged son, and my mother-hen daughter.

And he reeked of stale cigarette smoke. So the first thing we did was give him a quick bath and dress him in some new pajamas while my mother tossed his clothes and blankets in the wash.

I was mainly shocked that they allowed him to come. They didn’t know my mother, other than her trips there occasionally, and they certainly had no idea who was all in that house where the baby was taken.

However, there were no real signs of neglect. No diaper rash. Despite the smoke smell, he seemed bathed.

He was the sweetest child, and so good. We played with him, took turns rocking him and playing with him. He spent the night, and the next day he had Thanksgiving dinner with us.

Later, my brother sauntered in with this child’s parents. The first thing they did was walk out back to smoke before checking on how the baby was doing.

Then we gave him back. I had told them that I would like to keep him on occasion, if I could? They were agreeable.

While I was in NYC, I received a text from my brother asking if I still wanted to keep the baby? What I didn’t realize at the time was behind it was that they had left the baby with him, someone who does NOT need to care for a child. I never did get the full story as to where they were. A “hotel room” he said, which made no sense. The only thing I could figure is maybe they were detoxing??

And apparently CPS was called at some point by someone they knew, and social services had showed up. But really, despite the less than ideal environment, the baby’s basic necessities are take care of. The house, while void of furniture besides a couple of beds, is not run over with bugs and rodents. And while the cupboards are bare for the adults, the baby (due to WIC and food stamps, I am sure) has his formula, and diapers. He is just not stimulated as he should be, because the adults in the house party all night and lay in bed all day, and he just sits in the bed with them all day and sleeps as well. When he is awake, they keep a hold of his leg with their hand, and if he tries to crawl off the bed, they gently pull him back over and over. My mother witnessed this herself. He has no toys, so virtually has no stimulation and just sits most of the time, or sleeps, or has a bottle stuck in his mouth.

When I got home from NYC, I texted the father of the baby and said I would love to keep him for a week. He said sure. I was coming in that weekend for RG’s family Christmas party, so I told the father when I could come by to pick Baby J up. He told me he would have Baby J ready.

When I arrived at my brother’s home at the pre-arranged time, some guy I didn’t know answered the door. I asked for my brother, and her pointed towards the back of the house towards the bedrooms. I stepped inside the house, and asked for him again. The guy pointed and said, “He is back there.”

Reluctantly, I walked back there by myself. Knowing what goes on in that house, I was unsure and it probably wasn’t the wisest choice. I kept thinking, ‘I don’t know who is back here.’

Alas, it was just my brother, in bed, with Baby J fast asleep next to him in dirty pajamas.

‘I am here to pick up the baby,’ I said.

‘Oh, oh….you want the baby. Here, take him,’ he said, not making a motion to help. I was confused. He acted like he had no idea I was coming.

‘Where is [father and mother’s name]?’ I asked.

‘Ah, they stayed in a hotel the last couple of days,’ my brother said.

‘I was texting with [father] yesterday and told him what time I would be here. He said he would have him ready. Did he not tell you?’

‘Uh, no. They haven’t been here,’

At that point, I reached over my brother and picked up the sleeping baby.

‘Car seat?’ I asked.

‘Living room,’ he told me, not budging.

I walked into the living room, and saw the car seat base but not the seat. By this time, Baby J had woke up and was just looking at me with wide eyes. I knew the child had no coat, so I asked for a blanket. The man who answered the door said, ‘This baby ain’t got a coat?? Shame! Here, take this blanket.’ And he approached me and wrapped a thick baby blanket around the baby in my arms.

I took Baby J out to the van and had my daughter hold him in her lap while I went back in to try and gather his stuff.

By this time, my brother had dragged his ass out of bed and was in the kitchen, pulling rice cereal, formula, and baby food out of the cabinet.

‘I need his car seat,’ I said.

He looked at me helplessly, ‘Sarah, I’m sorry….’

So now I was in a quandary. Do I drive down the road, risk it, with the baby in my daughter’s lap to get a car seat for this child? Or do I leave him, go get one, and come back?

Just as I had made the decision to go get the baby out of the car and bring him back in so I could go get a baby seat, my brother had found it in a back bedroom.

It also smelled like smoke. I buckled it into the van, and placed Baby J in it.

I then went back in to find bottles. My brother had gone back to bed. I went and asked about bottles, he told me where they were, but they were all soured in the sink. I then went to the drawer where his baby clothes were kept and threw a handful into a bag, mentally making a plan to buy more clothing.

I went back to my brother’s room and asked him where the parents were? He said in a hotel. I asked if they were detoxing, and he acted like he didn’t wanna answer. I told him I wasn’t stupid, that I knew what they all did in the house. He then said they had been using, when they had been saying they were getting clean, and that they’d gotten into a fight and they left. It seemed strange to me that they would leave the baby with a person they had just gotten into an argument with.

So, we took the baby back to my parents’ house and later that day he attended RG’s family Christmas party with us. My mom had purchased some diapers, wipes and socks since the child had no socks.

On Sunday, before heading home, I talked to Baby J’s mom on the phone. She was appreciative, and told me point blank that they were ‘trying to get clean’ and that it was ‘hard to take care of him when we’re physically feeling sick’. She thanked me, said she knew by watching me with him on Thanksgiving that I would take good care of him. All this, and this woman did not even know my last name or where I lived!

Yes, I knew the risk. I got explicit permission with plenty of witnesses to take him for the week, as well as text message documentation.

Before I headed home, I drove by my brother’s. They knew I was coming. They came out, kissed him goodbye, and gave me another blanket for him. I gave them all of my contact information. Before I left, Baby J’s mom wrapped her arms around me. “Thank you so much.” She said, tears in her eyes.

I had no real sympathy for her. She makes her choices. It was all about the baby, who has no choice.

The baby came home with me. It was difficult at first, cuz the baby had nothing, and I had virtually nothing. It’s one thing to be prepared for a baby, and another not to be! But we managed that night with a borrowed pack and play, and pajamas that fit. The next day, we went to the consignment shop and got a few more pajamas, outfits, a coat, and some baby toys. My kids’ stepmother had an old high chair, exersaucer, and infant seat that didn’t smell like smoke or have spilled stuff all over it. My boss gave me additional clothing she had packed away. I bought more diapers, wipes, and formula as well as some more bottles.

It was a joy to have Baby J and to be able to give him a peaceful environment for a week. It’s in place now that I will keep him on occasion, and that can only mean good things for the baby. I had a couple people ask me if I felt I was letting his parents off the hook? I don’t concern myself with what it does or doesn’t do for them. They’re gonna do what they’re gonna do regardless of what I do or don’t do. This child is not a ‘reason’ for them to get clean. They each have two other children with other people who live with their other parent because neither of these are fit. I think it’s only a matter of time before Baby J gets taken as well, and I am hoping to be able to set myself up for guardianship in case that happens.

When I returned him, both parents came bounding out of the house, excited to see him! I do believe they love him, but their lives are so toxic that they have no real means to support him, or their other children (between them they have 5, which includes him). They have no real desire to get their lives together in order to do what is necessary to provide him with a stable, nurturing environment. Social services is already involved, as I said, and I think it will be a matter of time before they take Baby J away. I am sure it’s a familiar process these people have had regarding their other children as well.

As I was bringing things in from the van for the baby, the Mom made a comment about ‘how happy Baby J’s eyes’ looked.

‘He must have had a great week!’ she told me.

I am hoping to be able to give him more great weeks.

Second Wind - Kinda

2011-12-21T23:38:00.004-05:00

It's taken me a bit of time to recover from Thanksgiving, and then traveling to NYC like we did. In between both, we managed to decorate the tree, but didn't decorate the house nearly as much as we usually do for Christmas. The outside decorations didn't get put up. The Christmas dishes didn't get put in the china cabinet, and we -gasp- used a fake tree we had. We almost always buy a real one every year; the fake ones are reserved for elsewhere in the house. But I was just not feeling it this year.

And while we were in NYC, I did have a magical feeling, that feeling crashed hard upon returning to reality, and hitting the ground running as soon as we got back.

I've been exhausted, just waiting for the season to be over.

But I think I have gotten a second wind.

The kids' last day of school was today for Christmas break. Tomorrow, we plan to spend the day baking. My daughter will don her little apron, and I am sure my middle school aged son will join in on the decorating of the cookies.

Yes, I know there was a cookie exchange a few weeks ago. Shame on me for not participating. But today, I wanna share what we plan to bake tomorrow. And it includes a fruitcake!! :) I am eager to see how that will turn out, but it is a Food Network recipe with 5 stars, and I have found that the rating system is pretty spot on. Certainly not the monstrosities that you see in stores!

We will be making gingerbread men, snickerdoodles, sugar cookie cut outs, and fruitcake. I am sharing the recipe for the fruitcake and the gingerbread men!

Gingerbread Boys
(makes 60)

Ingredients

1 cup butter, softened
1 1/2 cups white sugar
1 egg
2 tablespoons dark corn syrup
3 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground ginger
1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
1/2 teaspoon salt

Directions

Cream the butter and the sugar together. Add the egg and mix well. Mix in the orange peel and dark corn syrup. Add the flour, baking soda, cinnamon, ginger, ground cloves and salt, mixing until well combined. Chill dough for at least 2 hours, I like to chill overnight.
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). Grease cookie sheets. On a lightly floured surface, roll dough out to 1/4 inch thick. Cut into desired shapes using cookie cutters. Place cookies 1 inch apart on the prepared cookie sheets.
Bake for 10 to 12 minutes in the preheated oven, until cookies are firm and lightly toasted on the edges.

Fruitcake - makes 2 loaves
(flourless at that! Gluten free!)

I am gonna candy my own fruit. Just google how to do it; it's easy.

14 ounces sweetened flaked coconut
8 ounces chopped sugar rolled dates
16 ounces pecan pieces
8 ounces candied cherries
8 ounces diced candied pineapple
2 (14 ounce) cans sweetened condensed milk

Directions:

Place coconut, dates, and pecan pieces in a very large (7 quart or larger) bowl. With your hands break up chunks of dates & coconut, and stir those 3 ingredients together.
Add the cherries, pineapple, and sweetened condensed milk. Stir thoroughly. (Stir it with your hands because the mixture is very stiff.).
Let set at room temperature while you prepare the pans. Spray 2 - 9"x5" loaf pans with Pam. Line the pans with waxed (or parchment) paper. (You want the paper to come up past the short sides of the pans after the mixture is packed into the pans.) Now spray the paper (after you've pressed it into the pans) with cooking spray.
Stir the ingredients well again.Divide the ingredients equally between the 2 loaf pans.
Pack VERY TIGHTLY and smoothly into the pans. (I wet my hands & press, pack down, & smooth top, using both hands. Wetting your hands keeps them from sticking to "batter".).
Place the pans on the middle rack of the oven and bake at 300 degrees F for 1 hour, or until lightly browned. (If the cakes have baked for an hour, or look a little brown around the edges, take them out of the oven & lift edges of paper a little to see if sides look brown enough. If they're brown on sides, but not on top, you may broil the tops for a few minutes-watch carefully.).
Remove cakes from oven and let cool for 10 minutes in the pans.
Gently lift the edges of the paper a couple of times on each side - kind of a rocking motion. (Sometimes I have to run a sharp knife down the edges of the pan.) Turn pans upside down onto a paper-lined cookie sheet. Lift pans from the cakes. Remove paper from bottom of cakes IMMEDIATELY.
Let cool completely. Place in a large container (don't wrap yet) and refrigerate overnight.
Turn cake upside down to slice. After slicing, wrap in waxed (or parchment) paper, then in heavy duty aluminum foil.
May be refrigerated up to 3 months or frozen up to 1 year.

http://www.food.com/recipe/the-worlds-best-fruitcake-124172#ixzz1hEg1DCUe

The SSC Takes Manhattan

2011-12-20T11:37:00.022-05:00

New York City at Christmastime!

The people who commented on my entries that I made before we took this trip were all correct. NYC at this time of year is magical, and oh so beautiful! It was certainly the time of the year to go there for the first time.

Starting off, RG and I had taken separate flights out of different cities on Thursday due to his business needs. I had planned to stay a bit longer with friends, while he needed to be back the following Monday to wrap up some things in the office before flying out yet again to a Conference for work. My ticket was pretty cheap, but had a long layover. His flight was nonstop.

The flight was relatively uneventful, save for sitting on the tarmac for about an hour in Baltimore before flying into Newark due to wind. Once I arrived, RG's plane was right behind mine. His plane was due in about an hour after my original arrival time, so we got in at the same time.

The fun then started.

Cindy-NYC was initially supposed to pick us up, but an emergency at work prevented her from getting out when she wanted. She told me we could take the transit system, which sent me into a panic. Unless I know what I am doing, and know exactly how to do it, such ways of traveling terrify me.

On top of that, we ended up using the NJ transit system. I have to say, I am highly disgusted with their system. There is absolutely no signage, and what signage there was ended up being totally confusing. For instance, at one of the train stations, we were told to go to track G. So we followed the signs for track G and waited on the platform, watching the monitor. It kept telling us a train was on track G that was NOT on track G. After about 30 minutes, and me getting more and more pissed off, we went inside the station to hunt down an worker. It was then we saw ANOTHER sign for track G, pointing in the opposite direction.

Seriously??? Not a "Track G south" or "Track G North", but both were 'Track G', one going one way and the other going a different way but no sign differentiation.

Anyway, we made our way to the other track G and got on our train. This train was better than the last, and actually had an electronic sign inside that told you what station you were at, and what station was coming up. The first train we were on - no announcements. And there were few signs at the stations we stopped at, cuz I looked out the window. When I asked the ticket taker about it, he frostily told me stops were announced. I made a point to listen at the next stop. No announcement - until the doors were closing!

WTF?

NJ transit sucks. It took longer to take the damn transit system than it did to fly into Newark. I will never use NJ transit again. Ever. I will take a freaking bus to Manhattan, and take Grand Central, which had much better signage and information for travelers.

Cindy-NYC met us at the train station and then we swung by another airport to pickup munchkin, who had just got in. Cindy took us back to her house, where Dotty was already waiting. Dotty had dinner waiting for us, and we all sat and had a nice home-cooked meal.

The next morning, Friday, we set out for NYC.

Now, the funny thing is, we had rented a Mom-car, a minivan. It had Iowa plates, so anytime cars got frustrated with us in traffic, we would laughingly say, "Sorry! We can't help it! We're from Iowa!!"

Dotty was driving Cindy's car behind us. Where we were going first was to Mel-o-drama's house to pick her up. Kat and Publikk had flown into LaGuardia, and they were taking a cab to Mel's house to meet us. Then, we were all gonna pile into both vehicles, go to a parking garage (for which we had printed coupons), and set out walking.

The weather totally cooperated that weekend. It was sunny, and in the 50's. Mel, who lives in NYC, played tour guide. And what a fantastic one she was, too! Our parking garage was just around the corner from Times Square, so that was our first point of interest. Kat and Publikk were starving, tho, and got hot dogs from a street vendor first. Then we all set off as a group.

Times Square was so much more awesome in person than any picture I have ever seen. We took our pictures in front of Times Square, couple photos and group photos alike. They won't be shown here, tho, cuz of privacy issues with several who are in those pics. :)

Next, we made our way into a few stores, browsing. Of course, you have the street performers and what is the trip without a few token photos with a replica of a symbol of our country? Thus, for a few dollars, a few of us posed with the Statue of Liberty on Ave of the Americas.

I gave the woman an extra dollar to stand there a bit longer, cuz my hubby is an obsessive picture taker! ;) Once he was finished with his camera, he wanted to take pics with his cell phone!

After this wandering around, which included going into a candy store and finding bacon flavored candy bars which the Nazi Bottomfeeders bought, we made our way over to Bryant Park where a Holiday Fair was going on.

Now, in the meantime, since Richard Windsor is behind the times and does not have a cell phone, we had been using our smart phones to email him our whereabouts and make plans for when he got out of work.

Once in Bryant Park, we somewhat all split off, shopping in various booths and checking out the ice skaters. We did, after all, have cell phones that kept us in touch when it would be time to move to a new spot. Some went and got hot chocolate. Others wandered in and out of various stores.

We found out where sock puppets come from!!!

Now, when you are a spanko, your mind goes into overdrive when you see anything that could remotely be used as a spanking prop.

We were in front of this pickle shop, and they had this cardboard pickle pointing and laughing outside of the shop. There was also a chair right there next to this cutout pickle.

I pointed. "Look," I said. "Somebody should sit there and get spanked, and we can take a picture so it looks like the pickle is pointing and laughing."

After a few moments of discussing who would do it, Publikk sat down and over Munchkin went. RG got his camera ready, and they posed like that.

The funny thing was, as crowded as the park was, nobody batted an eye. No one, except for the guy next to them, even noticed. And even he turned back around to finish what he was doing after getting his own chuckle out of it.

Anyway, just in case we looked like freaks, Kat yelled, "Happy Birthday, Munchkin!!" so it looked like a posed birthday spanking!

At one point, I was waiting for Kat to come out of a booth when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw this guy making a fast beeline toward me. I looked up, and it was Richard Windsor!

My jaw dropped, and I gasped so loudly that people sitting at tables nearby looked up. I threw myself into his arms, so happy at this completely unexpected surprise!

Turns out, Rich works in an office building overlooking Bryant Park. When one of our emails had told him that was where we were next, he came down and decided to hunt for us and see us for a few minutes before heading back up to finish his day.

We then all stood around and talked for a few minutes, making plans for dinner later that evening, and for the Rockefeller Center during the night. We discussed what we had already done, and what we were still planning to do.

After Rich left and went back to work, we hit a few more shops. Then, Kat and Publikk and I decided it was time for a Peppermint Mocha and went to find a Starbucks.

It didn't take long to find one. They're basically on every corner. By this time, our group had splintered off even more. RG went off on his own to take pictures of the nearby area. Cindy, Mel, and Dotty were off enjoying hot chocolate in the park. I have no idea what happened to Munchkin during this time we went off in search of Starbucks.

We got there just in time, too. When we walked into the Starbucks, there was only one person in front of us. Almost as soon as we went in, a whole stampede of people piled in behind us!

With cups in hands, we went out looking for the rest of our group, armed with cell phones and text messages leading us to where they were hanging out in Bryant Park. We found some bathrooms in Bryant Park, used those, then gathered together and headed for the Public Library.

Now, anyone who watched GhostBusters knows the significance of the lions at the front. we were trying really hard to figure out a way to climb on top of them to get pictures. We did figure out how we might be able to do it, but no one was brave enough to do it. Last thing we wanted was to be led off in handcuffs!

The whole group still wasn't yet together, so we hung out in front of the library for a few minutes, texting, talking, laughing. We took a group pic with some of us, and then Kat ran inside to check out the tree in the lobby of the library.

Next was Grand Central Station.

Now, I had been having problems with my battery in my cell phone draining all day, so the first thing I did was find a charging plug while the rest of the crew checked out the Whispering Gallery.

Look! Munchkin in the corner in Grand Central Station! She was a bad, bad girl!

By this time, we were all getting hungry. It was also about time for Rich to be getting off of work, so I emailed him the place we were all going to go eat, and then we headed that way as a group.

We chose a place based on Mel's suggestion, called Heartland Brewery. Once we got there, we put our group on the list. I think there were 12 of us? We had a wonderful time at dinner, trying the beer that is brewed by the company itself, and trying some of their appetizers like fried pickles.

There was much laughter, and good food during this time. We told Rich what we had been doing the whole day, and the sights we'd seen. He was in a foul mood at first because just as he was about to leave to meet us for dinner, his boss had called a last minute meeting. His mood soon dissipated, tho, in the midst of friends -- and beer. :)

When we finished up there, we all decided it was time to head down to the Rockefeller Center to view the tree and decorations.

Now, we all started out as a group walking, but soon realized that, in following Rich (who is a New Yorker), we had lost the others. They had apparently decided to go in from a different way so had kept walking straight at one point where we had turned.

No worries, tho. We reached the tree from the front side, where you could view the angels and the other decorations. As luck would have it, we arrived just as the light show on the side of the building began.

That was completely unexpected for me. I did not know they did that, and as we walked, I saw all these people looking up at the side of this building and I was like, "WTF?"

It soon became apparent, tho, and we were treated literally to a front and center seat of this spectacular light show that is put on the side of this building. It runs about every 15 minutes.

We then made our way through the crowd and took in the tree.

It was amazing to see in person. And at night, at that! There were so many awesome lights and decorations and it made Christmas feel alive.

As I mentioned, we had lost our group. It was just me, Richard Windsor, Munchkin, Kat and Publikk. Everyone else was somewhere else. We weren't too worried. Our group had Rich, who knew where he was going, and their group had Mel, who knew where she was going. And we all (sans Rich) had cell phones.

So, I broke out my nearly dead phone and texted Cindy to find out where they were. They were on the other side, in front of a certain store, so we started to make our way over to them.

Funny, they had started to make their way to us as well but neither of us told the other to stay put. (cindy claims she texted us that they were on their way, but I never received that text)

So, we ended up right at 30 Rock, right in front of the address on the building. I texted Cindy that was where we were. It was THEN that I got a text saying, "Stay right there. We are coming to you."

So, we stayed put and decided to take pictures.

And what is being in front of the Rockefeller Tree without a good spanking in front of it?

Again, being NYC, very few people paid attention to this spanking as well!

And then, RG showed up without the others. We were like, 'where are they?' He said they had gotten tired of looking for us, so had gone off to do other things. It was at that time Cindy texted and said they were exploring and would text when they were done. So we were like, okay....now we can move from our place at 30 Rock and do some exploring as well!

But not before we took a few more pics of some of us in front of the tree!

After picture taking, we walked around some more together. We decided to head over to Radio City Music Hall, which was beautifully all lit up as well. There was a Christmas Tree up top that changed colors constantly.

This was the spot where we decided to wait for the rest of our group. I texted Cindy and Dotty to let them know where we were so when they were finished, they could come meet us. By now, it was getting pretty late, and cold and people were having to pee. It was after 11pm, I think.

Anyway, while waiting and freezing our butts off, Rich decided to do one more public spanking with Kat and Munchkin in front of a NYPD police car.

I don't have the pic, tho. You'll have to defer to Fetlife for that one!

Finally, the others showed up and we said goodbye to Rich, who was headed in a different direction for the train, and we all went back to the parking garage.

On the hour and half trip back to Cindy's, we all plugged our phones in the vehicle and started posting to each other's walls on fetlife, altho we were mere feet apart. Kat texting Munchkin from the very back seat, asking her how the front seat was? Picture uploading was going on.

And while I went to bed once we got back, the others stayed up until 4 or 5 in the morning.

Thus concluded our fun on Friday in the city, but we had lots of plans for Saturday as well, which included an SSNY Anniversary/Christmas Party.

And what a time we had there as well!!

A Spanking For An Ungrateful Brat!

2011-12-18T23:46:00.009-05:00

I have some Christmas poems and stories on my story website. If interested, you can go there by clicking this link. (Hint: the poem "`twas The Night Before Christmas" on my site was written by a guy called Houndog. Anyone wanna guess who that guy is today in the spanko world? No cheating to those who were with him throughout his name change!)

This poem was written by a hilariously funny girl named Melody Ann. Those from the old Spanking Memories and SIN days will remember who she is. She resides in England and has the funniest wit of anyone I think I have ever known. I had the pleasure of meeting her once, when she came to the second SSC we held in 2006.

Enjoy.

A Spanking For an Ungrateful Brat!

As the young brat woke up,
on a cold Christmas morn
she stretched herself slowly and gave a loud yawn
then looking across at the end of the bed
she began to get cross, and then, loudly, she said
"What on earth's all that crap at the end of my bed?
I wanted a doll but you've brought junk instead
I wanted some paints, and I wanted a bike
Santa you bastard, there's nuffink I like"

Then slowly and surely, she heard the echo
of a deep angry voice and it weren't saying"Ho Ho"
"Now look here young lady - I hereby decree
that you're way out of line, you're going over my knee"

Startled, she looked round, and to her surprise
she saw Santa appear right in front of her eyes
"I hadn't gone yet, seems that THAT was a blessing,
cos YOU my young lady, YOU need a stern lesson"

"Bugger off Santa, don't touch me, you DARE.."
But Santa had fixed her with with such a stern glare
"You had lots of presents, you ungrateful brat
I made such an effort, I don't deal in tat!"

Then quick as a flash she was over his knees
he took down her jammies, ignored her loud pleas
"I'll have less of the language now, IF you dont mind"
and he started to smack, on her cheeky behind

"You are old and well past it, you doddery git
you think that THAT hurts, it don't hurt a bit!
you can spank me for ages, so hell, spank away
I won't stop my swearin', and won't change my way"

"Oh Really" said Santa, "We'll see about THAT"
and he opened his bulging and tatty old sack
"You thought that these paddles had all been abolished,
but I have one here, it's well used and well polished...."

WHACK went the paddle; she started to yell
"I am SO sorry Santa, I am, can't you tell?"
then CRACK and then WHAP and it landed some more
and as much as she shouted, he stuck to his chore

"Are you going to be good now?" he said at long last
as she lay over his lap, in tears and aghast
"Oh Santa believe me" she whispered 'tween tears
"I think THAT's the present I've needed for years..."

Christmas Past

2011-12-17T18:07:00.005-05:00

Hi y'all!

Boy, has it been a whirlwind month -- and week!!! It's been unbelievable! Don't be fooled by the serene looking picture there!

Anyway, yes I know you are all waiting for the NYC update. I am going through pics, and waiting on permissions as well for the ones I wanna use. So, until then, I decided to do a quick update and share some pics from Christmases past!

Occasionally, we will have spanko friends to our house in early December. Hubby has a Santa costume, dresses up, and we all do a Santa role play on Saturday night!

Of course, just like it always is when our little SSC group gets together, we also have loads of vanilla fun. There is always much laughter, and great photo ops!

So, here are some pics from Christmases Past, and I promise, the NYC update is just around the corner!!

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

2011-12-08T22:24:00.005-05:00

Yes, yes it is. BUT, it is also one of the busiest.

I will update on the NYC trip sometimes next week. Hubby turned right around and flew out for a business trip the day after he arrived home from NYC. I left NYC a day later than he did, got in very late to a practically empty airport, went straight into Mommy duty, and am leaving to go out of town yet again tomorrow, a mere 3 days after returning from NYC.

I must also arrange for my out-of-state college child to come home at the beginning of next week.

And I go back to work next week, and still haven't finished my shopping.......

SO, be patient!! :)

Spanko Business

2011-11-29T17:54:00.004-05:00

So, for a bit a few months ago we'd kinda been in a slight dry spell. We’d had a couple minor play sessions, but nothing of real note. Well, the other night I was lying on the couch watching Dave Chapelle on Comedy Central (one of my favorites!) and RG had fallen asleep on the floor. Sometimes he’ll do this and I almost expected him to doze for a short while and wake up.

After a time, tho, he didn’t. I started to contemplate things to do to him. I could go get the convent strap, give his butt a whack with it to wake him up and see what kind of consequences he could come up with .

But my inner self did not have a death wish. I thought about the fly swatter. Lightweight, not too bad.

But no, my mind drifted back to the convent strap from London Tanners. I chewed on it for awhile while watching Comedy Central, knowing that I would be resigning myself to ‘playing’ if I were to be so bold.

I went and got the strap.

As I stated, I don’t have a death wish, so I lightly flicked him with it.

He jolted awake and I kinda threw the strap to the side and smiled innocently. When he rolled over onto his back, I climbed on top of him and straddled him, grinning.

Bummer – (I think) – he didn’t even know I’d swatted him. We began talking and he looked around a tad suspiciously cuz I was grinning like the Cheshire Cat.

Finally, I said, “You have no idea what I just did, do you?”

He got this big Toppy look and said, “No, apparently I don’t..."

I chuckled and started to get off from on top of him, but he grabbed me, preparing to turn me over his knee to get it out of me but then Jon Stewart was on and we both stopped cuz something he was saying was of interest to the both of us.

Secretly, I was plotting my escape. I had to pee, for one. I also knew that I could quickly start crawling away without him expecting it – in between the coffee table and the couch where there was little space and I would fit through easily but he wouldn’t.

Suddenly, I bolted and he made a grab for me but I crawled as fast as I could. I was right – the coffee table slowed him down, as I was able to crawl between like in a small trench and he had to actually get up and go around trying to cut me off.

I was up and running down the hall before you knew it and he came after me. I ran into the bathroom and I think he thought I was gonna hide and lock myself in there so I yelled, “I gotta pee! I gotta pee!”

He stopped. Boy, if that ain’t a mood killer…lol. “Go pee.” He said and walked back toward the living room.

I opened the bathroom door cautiously, peering out, prepared to be snatched up, but RG was nowhere to be found. When I made my way into the living room, he was sitting on the couch. He pointed to his lap. The indication was clear.

I shook my head. He raised his eyebrows at me, so I willingly and submissively complied. It was in my best interest.

He used his hand to spank me pretty good and then ordered me up to retrieve the strap off of the floor. I whined, of course, and apologized, saying I was only joking and hadn’t hit him very hard and I had done that on purpose because I didn’t have a death wish, not cuz I had really desired to swat him good.

He ignored my pleas and told me that if he had to get the strap that I would be ‘sorry – er’.

I still didn’t and he got up to get it while I insisted, “I was gonna get up and get it! I really was!”

It felt good to be spanked again – I mean, a real spanking. The strap has this effect on me anyway, even when it’s being used hard. It really turns me on – I can really feel the arousal when it hits certain spots.

Eventually we worked our way back to the bedroom where he insisted that I strip. I did so, and then he bent me over the bed and continued the strapping.

To make a long story short, it wasn’t an incredibly long and harsh session, but it was a real firm spanking. Like usual, yummy sex followed and I was a tad sore the next morning.

Boy, I love those lingering reminders.

Over the River and Through the Woods.......

2011-11-22T17:00:00.003-05:00

In the United States, it's the Thanksgiving holiday this week. Family-wise, it's almost as big of a deal as Christmas. Families come together to share a huge feast to commemorate when the Pilgrims and Native Americans of the Wamponoag tribe came together in 1621 to enjoy the bounty of the colony's first successful harvest. That meal is considered to be 'The First Thanksgiving'.

I have a few funnies to share in this post towards the end, but I also wanna share what our traditional feast is like with our family. I would like you to also share what you may do for the Thanksgiving holiday, if anything. In our house, RG strictly forbids any kind of Christmas festivities until after Thanksgiving Day. This means no eggnog until the day after Thanksgiving, no Christmas music (oh how that grates his nerves), no Christmas movies. He doesn't forbid Christmas shopping, tho! I do that all throughout the year!

When I was a kid, we always traveled to Grandma's house for Thanksgiving, where the rest of my extended family was also gathered. It was a time to get together with cousins and play, while Grandma slaved away in the kitchen making the feast for us to enjoy, and baking wonderful goodies.

When I got to be an adult, and my grandmother was in poor health, we switched to Thanksgiving at my parents' house. My father is a great cook and baker, so he did all the work. My mother's and my father's family came to Thanksgiving, so the crowd was even bigger. More aunts and uncles and cousins were there. If it was dry and not too frigid, there would be a game of football played outside in the large back yard. The younger kids often spent their time in the basement, where all of the toys were. There was always a baby or two to pass around, and an out of town family member that we rarely saw that would pop in.

Now my grandparents are deceased, and we have had Thanksgiving at my parents' house with just our immediate family most years. There have been a few years where I have stayed home and cooked my own feast for my family at home since I was farther away. I remember the very first time I cooked a turkey - I was terrified!! LOL. But my father walked me through it on the phone, and it came out perfect. I have made a turkey three times since then, and each time it has come out perfect!

This year, we will be traveling out of town to visit my parents and have Thanksgiving there. All of my siblings will be there, and some extended family members will be dropping in as well. Our feast is pretty traditional. Turkey and stuffing, creamy mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, corn pudding, cranberry sauce (made from fresh cranberries, not that god awful canned stuff), sweet potato casserole, dinner rolls, pumpkin pie, and a variety of other baked goods as well.

This year, my father is going to make an actual cornucopia out of dough and vegetables. I will take a pic and post it! I can't wait to see it myself!

I am thankful for: my family and longtime friends, for health and knowing love. My children who have brought me great joy, and my loving husband who loves and accepts me unconditionally. For the time, energy and means to be able to travel and enjoy life. I am thankful for peppermint mochas and eggnog. For food in our cupboards, and a house in the country where we can watch beautiful sunrises and sunsets and see the stars clearly at night. For being able to work the job that makes me happy, and also allows me time to be a hands on mother. For the doctors that saved my father's life, and for the fact that we live in a place where some of the best health care is available. I am thankful for my life. It is full and wonderful, and I am free to be who I am, all parts of me, with my spouse, my family and my friends and not have to worry one bit about my place in their life, or theirs in mine.

So, Happy Thanksgiving to all that celebrate it! And even for those who don't, there is so much to be thankful for! And do please share with me what you do for Thanksgiving, and any fond memories that you can think of!

Be blessed!

Pointing in the Right Direction

2011-11-20T11:43:00.006-05:00

Recently, a moderator (and friend of mine) at Spanking Classics Peter Ross posted a link to my blog on the discussion board there. Someone was asking about DD blogs, I think, and he posted my current blog (this one).

Peter knew that at one time RG and I had run a DD blog called ZED and ginger. In January 2009, we shut that blog down with the intention to open it back up again but we never did. In the meantime, we went back to using our original screen names in the spanking world from when we first started out.

From that point, we did start another blog that was more low key. THAT blog was our DD blog, but in March I decided that I wanted to go ahead and just have an 'all kink blog', using my original pseudonym sarah thorne, that could also incorporate the DD part of us if we ever chose to write about it again.

Anyway, my point is -- Peter had good intentions, but he pointed someone who wanted a DD blog to basically a kink blog (which they may ALSO enjoy!)!! And I greatly appreciate the plug on Spanking Classics by my friend. I have seen on my stats that several people have come to the blog by clicking that link, and I am thinking that they were wanting something more DD oriented, altho their question DID have to do with converting a vanilla and, well, I DID write a real life story about that on my story website here.

SO.

If you are one who has clicked the link on Spanking Classics and been led to this blog but were hoping to find a DD blog, let me point you in the right direction.

Our DD blog was called Rambling Thoughts. I have stopped updating, really, but there are posts there for you to go through if you like.

I am going to list a few other really good DD blogs as well, ones that I personally have bookmarked and follow, or have followed, and who will most certainly have even more DD blog links on their blogs.

Finding Sara -- one of the best, in my opinion!

Husbandly Touch - Another very excellent blog, and written from the perspective of the Dominant.

Dark Knight Fair Lady

Her Mischief Managed

Hindsight Reflections

Rogue's Awakening

Life Unimagined

Discipline and Dreams

Blissful Dwelling Place

Those are a few that I was able to round up quickly. I am sure that you will be able to find even more DD links on these wonderful blogs that will lead you to even more of what you are looking for.

In the meantime, thank you to Peter Ross - friend and moderator at Spanking Classics - for giving my blog a shout out there! A kiss to you, (or maybe the bird?) you Pommy Bastard! (Ha! Guess where that comes from??)

Do It While You Can!

2011-11-18T19:07:00.008-05:00

Seems I’ve been able to wield more of my massive powers of intimidation to create some holiday misery….errrr, cheer. Sad, tho, seems my powers have not been able to work on adelina and short4ever. They will tread carefully as I viciously plot their fate. Short4ever thinks she will take over the world?? She has never been subject to the supremacy that the snapping of my fingers produce!!

Adelina, we will greatly miss your cookies!!! Whatever shall we eat while gossiping in dropseat jammies??

S4e, I know you're really not coming so as to withhold Publikk's "Precious" from him! Admit it! It's part of your evil plot to take over the world!! (explanation as to what "Precious" is coming in a moment).

The great UPT Richard Windsor has also been a difficult one to evoke a response from. I must pull out the big guns – guilt! If I hear him whine one more time about being left out of something……

Damn, that man needs a cell phone. I am thinking, group gift for Rich -- GO PHONE!

A thought just occurred to me! OMG!! What if he really doesn't like me???

Seriously, tho, our impromptu party is coming together quite nicely. I will be so sad for the ones who can’t make it, but I also understand that more planning time is needed for some, especially given the busy season. We have been talking and have decided that we should each take turns hosting our little Christmas get together every year. Next year, we may show up at adelina’s door and bully our way in. The lure for Publikk will be us dangling Precious enticingly above a fire pit, with a caption of ‘pleeeease save me!!!’

This manner of threat will ensure that Publikk always acts in an un-poohead-like way and travels wherever we tell him go, thus making Kat the Brat a happy girl! She is so happy she blogged about it!

Did that make sense? Ha! It’s a joke. Publikk happens to call the Jokari paddle his “Precious”.

We also call him a Poohead when he is grumpy.

Moving on……

Cindy-NYC and I have been burning up our text message boxes. 142 sent just in the last two days?? I asked her today while we were on the phone if she had a texting plan.

No.

Ooooops. See, I am not the only one she has been gleefully texting with her ideas and plans. This may cost her more money than she bargained for.

So, here’s the plan. We are going to rent a van. We discussed a Vacation Bible School van, as we all like the idea of puttering around together in the same vehicle. However, I think we are going with a minivan.

Activity plans are falling into place. Macy’s storefront window, ice skating, hot chocolate, the Statue of Liberty, holiday fair, St. Patrick’s Cathedral, and dinner with Richard Windsor (hopefully). Then, of course, the Christmas tree once it gets dark.

That is Friday. We will be spending all day in NYC sightseeing.

Saturday, of course, as I mentioned before is the SSNY party. That day will be spent leisurely strolling another holiday event, a lamp lighting walk.

Can’t get more in the holiday spirit than that!!

Of course, the more practical side of me started to rethink the expense. Altho, really, compared to what a normal trip to NYC would be, we’re getting off easy. I am almost never impulsive like I was when buying the airfare. It was just such a good deal, and with Cindy-NYC whispering (well, okay, texting), “Come oooonnnn. You can stay with meeeeee.” I just couldn’t say no.

All of this in between taking liberties with munchkin's ass.

One of the things that we try to do is to go out and do the things that we enjoy doing. My great uncle said to my father recently, “You know, do the things you want to do now while you can. Everyone saves up for retirement, and says that when they retire then they will travel and do this and that. But, really, by the time that happens, your health is starting to decline and you don’t have the energy you once had. And often, for one reason or another, you can’t. So do it now, I say. While you can still enjoy it.”

On top of that, there is an almost 20 yr age difference between my hubby and me. Unexpected tragedies aside, the fact is he will likely go before I do. I do not like to think of that at all, as it puts me in a dismal mood. However, I want to enjoy things with him now that we can enjoy together rather than expect that we will be able to do it at this pace when he is older. I want to have those experiences with him.

I can’t ignore real life, tho. And we don’t. We have a full and fun family life, and jobs. We don’t ignore these things to scurry off and have fun. Yet, we do take the opportunity to go off and unashamedly spend time the way we like and we are fortunate to have the time from our jobs to do so. Many times that is hanging with our fun crowd of spanking friends, and many times that is also spending time on family vacations and outings as well.

It’s a busy life!

But one day, we won’t be so busy. One day, we may not be able to travel like we can now.

So we do what we can now, while we can, and enjoy every second of it to build memories of our life.

Just like my great-uncle in his 80’s said to do.

Christmas in NYC

2011-11-16T12:18:00.004-05:00

What better way to spend a December weekend than to go to NYC and hang out with great people??

PARTY AT CINDY-NYC's HOUSE!!

It was a last minute plan, really. It's amazing that I can use my superior tactics of intimidation to make my friends do my bidding!! One is offering her home for lodging (altho she really, truly does not like me, you know), which saves us in the ridiculous NYC lodging prices. Others have decided that a last minute trip would be quite fun, and have gone to some lengths to make that happen (altho they, too, really truly do not like me) with some intimidating arm twisting and threats to unfriend them if they don't do what I demand!

What started out as a fairly low key, quiet weekend with a few people is turning into fun-filled weekend with friends!

And we are gonna all hit NYC together!

The first weekend in December, RG and I usually have some friends over to our house. That's usually gone really well, and was loads of fun. This year, I decided I wasn't up for it. A lot of our basement renovation had to be torn out so that we could put in a drainage system, and we don't plan to start the renovations over again until next summer. Being how room was an issue (like last year but we managed), I just didn't wanna try and do that again until we had our extra living space completed. Though there were no complaints! It's amazing what friends will endure for all of us to be together and have a great weekend together.

Even booking last minute plane tickets so we can all enjoy NYC at Christmas together!

I am so excited!!! I have never been to NYC!

So, that weekend also happens to be the SSNY anniversary party. When I told Jules we were coming, she flipped out and was so excited. Of course, I am sure she really doesn't like me and is just being nice. ;)

I know some of my readers and regular commenters are in the NYC area. Come to the SSNY party on Dec 3rd! Just email Jules - Jules@strictlyspankingny.com for reservations, cuz there is only so much space! And if you're new to the group, go to their website to fill out an application for their Strictly Spanking Party! $20 at the door!!

I can't wait!!!

Indulgent Restraint

2011-11-14T12:35:00.004-05:00

Do you see that above?? Do you know what such decadent flavors have been turned into? THIS!

Yes, that's right. It's the Peppermint Mocha from Starbucks. A current addiction of mine, and oh so delicious. If you haven't had one, you must go get one! I mean, I am not even a big fan of peppermint in general, but this is divine!

Of course, there are consequences for such an indulgence. It's not friendly on the waistline, and well.....as a woman in her 30's, that is something I need to give thought to. I attempted to try the 'skinny' version, where they use nonfat milk and sugar free chocolate syrup, but I wasn't feeling it. I DO get mine made with nonfat milk to lessen the calorie damage, but the sugar free syrup just doesn't taste right to me.

Anyone who has followed me from the days of ZED and ginger know that for a long time, I was restricted in my Starbucks indulgences. You see, I had an addiction for just the regular mochas, and found myself going to get one (Venti at that!!) almost everyday. I finally told hubby (RG=ZED) that I needed accountability!!

Like many people, I lack willpower in certain areas. For the most part, I am pretty good at restraint. I can pass up my favorites in the store while grocery shopping, because I have a list and, well, the fudge covered oreos are not on the list. So I am good at keeping things like that out of my house.

However, if I have stuff like nutty bars (OMG!) in the house, I find it very hard to resist eating them. So, since I am pretty good at NOT buying them when shopping, that is how I control stuff like that. Or, on the few occasions I buy sweet snacks, I will buy sweets that RG or the kids like that are not necessarily my taste. Like chocolate chip cookies, nutter butters, etc.

Anyway, I pass Starbucks all the time. And two weekends ago, when I went out of town with my mother, I bought a peppermint mocha for the first time. I was expecting to be somewhat ambivalent about it, but OMG...no, I was in love.

The problem became apparent for the rest of the week. The mornings were cold, and each day I craved one, so stopped and got one. I posted on Facebook about it. People left and right were posting about my obsession making them crave them as well, so the domino effect also caused my friend to imbibe, and then blame me!

Now, this happened to manifest just about the same time that I had decided to try and set a weight loss goal for myself of 1 lb per week, or 4 lbs per month. Many of you probably know that my close friend and fellow blogger, Richard Windsor, has lost around 65-70 lbs by following a healthy diet set with realistic goals. I was thinking about something he wrote on Fetlife one day regarding his weight loss, and decided he made lots of sense. So I thought that rather than tell myself 'I am gonna lose 10 lbs within 2 months', that I set short term goals.

You see, next October, we plan to attend the World Spanking Party in Spain, and I wanted to be in better shape by then.

Herein lies my quandary. Awhile back I had posted on my DD blog, which I have all but abandoned, that I had basically tossed the dynamic out the window. If you read the post here you will see why. However, I do still desire that dynamic. It's just that it was leaving me very frustrated with the inconsistency and inaction on hubby's end. :( That frustration was leading to resentment, and I do not want that in our relationship. So. I figured that if I removed the expectation of him to lead in that way, then my frustration would go away. And for the most part, it did. In this moment of lack of willpower, I am desiring some kind of accountability. Yet, I don't want to ask him to step up, and expect it to happen, and then be frustrated again. If I need to be self accountable (which I agree with that as well!), then I would rather focus on that fully rather than expect additional support and then not have it appear.

I have considered writing hubby a letter, explaining what I need in this area, but a part of me warily wonders if it's a lost plight. :\

Mr. London You Are Not!!

2011-11-11T11:41:00.010-05:00

Fair warning – I am waiting for migraine meds to kick in while writing this.

********************************************************************

Foot in mouth, and head up ass
Whatcha talkin' 'bout?
Difficult to dance 'round this one
'til you pull it out, boy!

Now you're weeping shades of cozened indigo
Got lemon juice up in your eye

When you pissed all over my black kettle
You must have been HIGH

Who are you to wave your finger?
So full of it.
Eyeballs deep in muddy waters
Fuckin' hypocrite.

Lyric excerpt from “The Pot” written and performed by Tool

****************************************************************************

So, a few weeks before the SSC party, I received a private message on Fetlife from a “Dom” in London.

It was clearly a sock puppet account – a fairly established one. Someone took the time (5 months or so) to establish this thing, so I believe that the contact was planned. It was fairly odd that the sock puppet was established around the same time my stalker’s other sock puppets were destroyed by Fetlife after this guy posted a flaming account excusing why he went finger spelunking on another girl. (lap grinding, leg spreading whore. She deserved it, you see.)

I won’t give away secrets as to how I knew immediately that this was a fake account. There is a reason why sociopaths/narcissists can rarely be treated professionally with success. They hone their manipulation tactics by attempting to perfect their techniques after learning what gave them away to begin with. Yet, those who were privy to this going on while it was happening know full well what the tell-tale signs were, and they saw it as well. Even his 'about me' section stinks of him, and contains a glaring sign that he was certainly not the Brit he claimed to be.

I will also note that I am not the only one that has broken off friendship with this person to have received prying messages from suspicious fake accounts that soon disappeared after the bait didn't work.

So, this idiot messaged me, claiming that he saw my comment on a mutual friend’s status, checked out my profile and then started with the disgusting over flattery about how lucky he was to have come across it. But, see, people tend to forget that they have obvious quirks about their style of writing, sometimes ones they are not even aware they even have, even if they try to reverse some word order to try and slide by. He was clearly trying very, very hard to disguise his writing, but he must not realize that there is so much more about his writing that gives him away than just his hyphenated double words. And he did every single one of them, except for the hyphenated double words, which is something I have publicly declared as merely one of the giveaways when he attempts to post anonymous comments on my blog pretending to be someone else (not to mention IP address matches. Yes, even when he attempts to hide using a proxy, it shows up as his small FL town. )

What is so entertaining about such idiots is that they clearly believe and act as if they are the most superior beings on the planet!

So, given the entertainment factor this had the potential to provide, I went along. It was clear from the very first message that: 1) it was him and 2) he was most certainly NOT a Brit. Like I said, I won’t give away secrets as to how I am certain, but of these two things I am certain. I won’t say how. I have my ways.

The very first thing I did was ask him if he was actually British or a transplant. I thought it was possible that he would attempt to explain certain things away as an American living abroad, and that would justify some of the oddities that rang loud bells. He apparently is not that smart and stupidly answered that yes, he was ‘as British as they come’.

VERY obvious lie number one due to so much in his messages and about me section that gave him away.

I mean, seriously, for people who claim that they’re sick of ‘high school games’, you’d figure they’d tire of instigating them. But then again, I suppose when you sit on your ass all day and do absolutely nothing but stalk the web…….

Alas, I can find humor in someone’s attempt at a game if I am bored and have nothing else to do at the moment. I won’t devote any more time to it than I feel like, cuz to me it is about troll poking and I sometimes have time for that. I have the ability to ignore when it strikes me. But as I said, sometimes I get bored and trolls who think they are much bigger and badder than they really are amuse me, and they amuse me even more when they think I am oblivious to them.

So I engaged the orange gourd in conversation, telling him nothing he really didn’t already know about me, to see where he was going with his idiotic sport. I refused to ‘friend’ him. He was agreeable to this, and wrote long missives, getting information about where he supposedly lived all of his life incorrect. I know this because I ran his messages across two very good, long time TRUE British friends who ARE in England. They also picked out things that only a true Brit would be able to see, quirks in language that a Brit would not use, as well as some other points of interest and politics he spoke about. I picked up some of that, but they picked up so much more. Both of these men, neither who know one another, said the same thing to me. “This asshole is full of shit!”

Yes, I knew that already. One even found areas online where the dummy had cited information. Clearly a copy and paste job. The messages were absolutely mind boggling and clearly reflected an unbalanced person.

However, it’s not really that surprising. Sociopaths are known for this kind of shit, and he is certainly that. He doesn’t actually bother me, tho, even in his slander. He just continues to give more fodder for me to entertain myself with while also continuing to reveal his truly unstable nature.

When I first met this guy, I had an unsettled feeling about him. Come to find out later, most people who had known him had the same feeling, but it took some time to realize that he was more than just a bit creepy. When it became more obvious that there was an issue between us, all of a sudden people watching it unfold started contacting me out of the blue saying, “OMG, I thought I was the only one he did this stuff to!!” It seems he had a habit. These people’s stories were almost exact in what I did know from those I already knew well, even tho these same girls did not know the others who’d had the same things happen to them. One girl told me when she tried to break off from him quietly, to avoid drama, that ‘the stalking and harassment was unreal.’ It was exactly what I was witnessing at that moment involving a couple of others, and also with me to a degree but I guess I don't let it get to me, so it never seemed to be *that* big of a deal for me. Someone wants to stalk my blog, and continuously post after me everywhere? Be my guest! The more you do that crap, and whine about stuff like potato soup made with unpeeled potatoes, the more loony(and unmanly) you make yourself look to everyone reading. Why would I wanna stop THAT??

What is also really funny is that I was doing a google search of my name the other day and see that he still has posts up about me being a ‘sweet girl’ and ‘a good friend’ (everyone is named as a ‘good friend’ to him, even if he barely knows them.) Singing my praises, yes, and it’s still up.

Apparently fabricating stories of countless women grinding over his knee (PLEASE!!) excuses him from his inappropriate touching. The good thing is (maybe not for him) is that many people in the scene are not stupid. There have been even more others out of the woodwork, having watched the drama from afar, who have contacted me and others stating, “what is this guy’s deal? Does he really think he makes sense?”

Apparently he does. Which adds to the amusement.

Which is why the “British” sock puppet was as hilarious as it was.

WTF was the point, seriously? Think I am gonna reveal some deep, dark secret about myself to him?

Anyway, I bored of the endless road to nowhere, and it no longer amused me. So I called the dummy out and blocked him. Not that he won't create another sock puppet......

Intriguing mystery? Eh, not so much. Stupidity is not easily disguised.

Boardwalk Badness Weekend 2012!

2011-11-10T18:35:00.005-05:00

Just wanted to post and say that we are paid and booked for SSNY's Boardwalk Badness Weekend in Atlantic City for 2012!! I am so excited!!

We have lots of plans for 2012, including a European spanking trip, but I will write about that soon.

Yes, yes, I know....promises.

Remember the intriguing mystery I mentioned just before leaving for the SSC.

That's my next post. It's a comin'. Hopefully within the next few days.

I feel evil already

Yet, still excited.

And I need to finish editing pics before my fellow SSC'ers kick my ass!

If you haven't attended SSNY's Boardwalk Badness party, you don't know what you're missing!! It's such a great time. They go all out for their parties with great location, food, and entertainment! It's the perfect way to leap back into the spanking party season in the Spring!

Watch for the bitch rant!

Thank You! Thank You!!

2011-11-10T06:59:00.002-05:00

I don't really like asking people to comment (de-lurk), because I want people to comment because they feel compelled to do so, and not necessarily because I ask them to.

However, in light of the Love Our Lurkers day that many blogs participate in, and not to be a total party pooper -- I am thanking all of my silent readers. According to my stats, I have A LOT of silent readers and they come from all over the world. I want to thank my silent readers, as well as my not-so-silent readers for taking the time to stop by and check my blog out on a regular basis!

An Interesting Conversation

2011-11-07T09:28:00.006-05:00

This weekend I wasn't able to do the things that I had really wanted to do. My plans were to relax, get some things done around the house, and finish editing the pictures from our recent SSC party in Savannah. As you know, I've been feeling a tad under the weather, which has caused me to only do what I absolutely needed to do each day and then rest.

Well, of course, nothing really ever works out as planned. I had an unexpected trip out of town come up. Not really feeling like making the long round trip drive there and back alone, I invited my mother to go with me so we could also make a 'girl's weekend' out of it.

Now, I have mentioned before about various people in my vanilla life either knowing or suspecting of my kink. My mother is one of these that I have always had a strong suspicion that she knew. Years ago, when I was staying with my parents during my transitional period while divorcing, I received payments in the mail for my stories that were on Bethany's "Spanking Playhouse". So, while those came in my vanilla name, my parents were aware that I was writing and being paid. However, my website info was registered in my screen name. The host company sent solicitations to me as well at times, and it was then that my mother discovered my pseudonym. She ranted and raved that someone had used a false name to get something sent to her house, and when she said the name out loud, I said, "Oh, Mom! That's my pen name for my stories!"

Now, my Mom being the snoop that she is, googled my screen name. At least, I am fairly certain that she did. She was aware that I had a website, but did not know the content. From a young age, I have always written stories, so having a site with stories and being part of storyboard forums was not such a crazy thing. I was just vague about context. I had refused to give her any information about it, so once she had the pen name, all she had to do was search. I saw the intent in her eyes. Hell, she even voiced her intent and jokingly said to me, "Oooooh! Now I can find your website!"

I said to her very plainly, "If you decide to look me up and find my website, I will tell you one thing only. If you snoop and find something you didn't want to know, then I do not want to hear one word about it from you."

She's never really come right out and bitched about it. My mom is very straight-laced and old fashioned. To her, everything is 'porn, even bra and panty commercials. However, she did make small comments here and there to hint that she knew of my proclivities, usually in a joking fashion. Except once, she claimed she read one of my stories and said, "That girl was being abused!" But that was the only negative thing she ever said, and she never told me which story she was referring to. Most of her hints of been of the joking variety.

So, this weekend we were talking and she was telling me of some issues she had been struggling with in regards to her relationship with my father. So we were discussing these things, and she expressed that she felt he had some interests that in their 40 years he had never approached her over. When she talked to him about it, saying she was up for trying anything once, he told her that he could 'never do that stuff to you and degrade you like that'.

Being how I am a lot like my Dad in personality, I often can help my mother understand his perception of a situation, even tho I do not necessarily condone his actions. So, I started to explain to her that perhaps he had some deep, dark fantasies that he had not been able to reconcile himself with. I said that I had some sexual desires that were not really part of the norm, and that I had struggled with feeling dirty and abnormal and sick until I came to terms with it. I suggested that perhaps he hadn't. She said, "what do you mean by deep and dark?" I started to explain and she stopped me and said dismissively, "Oh, you mean the spanking thing. That's not really so deep and dark, or that big of a deal. What's so dark about wanting to be tied up and spanked?"

And you know, she is right. (of course, we all know this!) I went on to explain, tho, that *he* may feel some of that stuff is, because the desires/fantasies often contain elements of control and dominance. If he hasn't been able to come to grips with the desire to "hurt" someone, then he would feel dirty and ashamed and deviant. I told her that I felt that way for years, from a young pre-teen with these fantasies of being dominated, and thoughts of spanking and extreme control excited me. I had believed I could never give a hint of what I felt in that regard, that I was sick, something wrong with me. So I kept it hidden deep, until I came out to my ex one day. His reaction was one of confusion. He attempted to oblige, but he could not understand the need at all, couldn't wrap his head around it. When he discussed it with someone at work one day, his buddy said, "well, that's not so bad. My suggestion to you is to go out and buy a paddle!" But he could never really accept it. I told her that perhaps my dad was afraid to expose that part of himself for fear she would reject it, and him. Especially when he himself was unable to accept that part of himself.

Later on, we were shopping in an antique mall and I came across a leather crop. I picked it up, checked the price just as she came around the corner and joined me.

"What is that?" she asked.

I shrugged. "A crop. The leather is frayed and it's too expensive."

"What would you use it for?" she inquired.

I shrugged. "I dunno. I guess I could add it to.....my collection." I grinned.

She sighed. "I don't get the spanking thing." she said.

I pretended she said nothing and started examining something else, and the subject was changed.

So, my confirmation is there. She knows. I always suspected that she did, but was not 100% certain. Now I am. :)